ASYLUM - For all mankind

(Our happy hour fact to amaze your drinking buddies with.)

A group of high-ranking physicians from the Department of Homeland Security and the Centers for Disease Control have outlined which patients should not be treated in a pandemic.

The elderly, trauma victims and those suffering from dementia are all outta luck, according to new guidelines suggested by a team of influential doctors.

These guidelines were suggested to create a uniform response in the event of a scarcity of resources during a catastrophic health crisis.

Law experts have already begun questioning the legality of the recommendations, saying they would violate laws against age and disability discrimination.

Of course, if the apocalypse does occur, we'd rather forgo heath care than stick around to be ruled by damn dirty apes.

Jose Castelar, the champion cigar-roller in Cuba, rolled a 98-foot-long stogie the other day in a bid to break the world record.

The 64-year-old was joined by five assistants as he used almost 93 pounds of high-quality tobacco to assemble the massive cigar that stretched across 14 long tables. Castelar rolled record cigars in both 2001 and 2003, and then broke the record again in 2005 with a 67-foot-long smoke.

Competition is evidently stiff for long-cigar rolling. Unfortunately for Castelar, Guinness says the world record actually belongs to Puerto Rican Patricio Pena, who last year made a 135-foot-long cigar.

Still, Castelar is planning to take another go at it. "I'm working to take it to the maximum," he said. "We'll be back in two years with a longer one."

So what happens to a cigar that size when it's been measured up? Castelar says it's smokable, "but we're missing someone with the lungs for it."

At the Indiana Jones Shop, you can celebrate the newest movie with an authentic wool fedora. ($42)

We just have to tell you one little thing: You don't look good in a fedora. How do we know? Because you are alive now and reading this. There are only three exceptions to that caveat:



A. You're in a movie about the '30s.
B. You look like Humphrey Bogart.
C. You live in a magical black-and-white world like "Pleasantville" before the color came on.

They're also selling a whip, which is $10, and looks good on anyone.
(via Uncrate)

You've probably heard about a little thing known as the subprime mortgage crisis. Well, it turns out it's not all statistics and sad-faced newscasters: When banks foreclose and take people's homes, homeowners are pissed.

Case in point: After neighbors called the news to complain about a gigantic junk pile in Mario Prisicandaro's back yard, he responded by tearing apart his half-million-dollar, foreclosed house, throwing appliances on the lawn, smashing windows and crushing the garage door with a truck and trailer.

"I think it's awful! I think it's just disgusting," said neighbor Lisa Schrader.

This scene isn't particularly unusual these days. The Boston Herald, Wall Street Journal and South Florida Sun-Sentinel have all run stories recently about foreclosed-upon homeowners going off the deep end.

Questions raised: Money's tough, and the bank is throwing you out of your house -- is it cool to take revenge on the people taking your home? Have you ever trashed a house you were leaving?

India is generally pretty conservative when it comes to making the two-backed beast, so it can be hard to get the point across in a condom ad. But this pitch, for Nirodh brand, is almost as titillating as sex itself.

(Our round-up of celeb gossip so you can keep up with your girlfriend.)

Snoop Dogg's take on the "One Life to Live" theme song. (EW)

Amy Winehouse arrested again. (The Blemish)

Al Sharpton also arrested again. (TMZ)

Eva Mendes is retro-topless in Italian Vogue. NSFW (Egotastic)

Madonna makes out with another girl. Yawn. NSFW (Drunken Stepfather)

Angelina Jolie is having twins. (A Socialite's Life)

When you think of the women who attend adult movie conventions, you probably picture porn stars. But there are plenty of non-professional ladies who appreciate a "four-legged flesh session" captured on camera.

In an effort to continue the work of Alfred Kinsey, Asylum traveled to the Adult Entertainment Expo to track down this rare breed and ask the tough, important questions all men want the answers to:

What got you interested in porn? What kind of porn do you watch? Do you have any suggestions on how a guy could get his girlfriend into watching porn?

The guy could be anyone, not necessarily an Asylum editor.

Here are some excerpts from our interviews, plus pictures of the fans with their favorite porn stars.

Whoever said we all put our pants on one leg at a time obviously hasn't met these dudes. Watch them spice up the lame routine of "getting dressed" with crazy-sweet back flips and pogo-stick dismounts.