A coupla weeks ago, Bill Clinton said if Hillary Clinton didn't win today's primaries in Texas and Ohio, that she was pretty much toast.

Now that these states look like tossups, the Clinton campaign says Barack Obama has to convincingly win all four March 4 states (including Rhode Island and Vermont) for her to quit. (Jiminy Cricket, what will it take to convince this woman that her candidacy is stinking up the Sunbeam?)

Here are the potential outcomes:

• The candidates divide the contests evenly: This sets up the next round of televised debates, swarming locusts, hellfire and brimstone, and a never-ending pestilence across the land.

• Hillary wins Ohio, but loses the other three: She stays in the race all the way to the contentious convention, just to see a mixture of blood and pus ooze from Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean's eyes.

See the rest of the outcomes after the jump.

• Barack Obama has a blowout victory: Senator Clinton gets her ass politely handed to her; she's now free to use it however she pleases. Get the over-padded couch and Double Stuff Oreos ready!

• Hillary rakes in a vast majority of the delegates: According to the Democratic charter, the runner-up, in this case Obama, must act as Hillary's "Sandwich Bitch," and for the next two days prepare "whatever amuses her."

• Bridge troll Dennis Kucinich, still on most ballots, garners .01 percent of the vote: He strips naked and runs through the streets, screaming "I'm the King of the World!!!"