Ever since the invention of the locker room, men have been whipping it out to show who's the best endowed. For some inexplicable reason, though, scientists have been too busy sending people into space and curing disease to focus on a calibrated standard of measurement for the John Thomas. Until now.

SizeofaMan has developed the unique Phallomeasure to help you accurately assess the size of your woody. Their Final Say penis measurement kit comes with the Phallomeasure, which is a cylindrical tube with inch marks on the side, a case, and two girth measurement tapes (you might need two if you're really, really girthy).

Just slide the Phallomeasure onto your member, then cry when you realize why every woman you've dated laughed when you got naked.