As the recent flare-ups in the presidential campaign have shown, America's still pretty messed up when it comes to race. Even though we're not naive enough to think such problems can be fixed by a blog post, we'd like to do our thang to bridge the divide. That's right, like Pepe Le Pew, we're lovers, not fighters. Ergo, we'd like to tell you boys who want to be lovers a few things you've been saying to the sisters that you shouldn't.
We can't tell you the right thing to say, but Jennifer Fields and Alexis Stodghill --- two African-American women from the office who date all colors of the rainbow -- are about to school the men of this world (white, black, Asian and Inuit) on the worst things you can say to a black woman.
This advice won't help you get a date with Beyoncé Knowles or Kelly Rowland, but at least you won't get a drink thrown in your face.
10. "I was raised by black people." (If your nanny or butler was black when you were growing up, you do not pass as an honorary black person.)
9. "Black women are so sexy." (You may think this is a compliment, but it's just another form of stereotyping or fetishizing African-Americans.)
8. "Can I touch your hair?" (Don't ask anything about the hair, or whether you can touch it. Such an exchange will never end well.)
7. "I only date black women." (You think you're going to impress her because you're down, but saying that just makes it seem like black women are a "type.")
6. "You're the black Audrey Hepburn." (Don't tell a women she's the black version of a particular white woman. Men do not say to a white woman, "You're the white Condoleezza Rice.")
Read the Top 5 things you shouldn't say (after the jump).
5. "I don't see any difference between the races." (You may think you're Ghandi, you're not.)
4. "It's not like you're the first black woman I've dated." (Yeah, that comes off as creepy fetishizing, too.)
3. "You look like En Vogue." (It's never a smart idea to compare one woman to a group of women who all look very different, no matter their color.)
2. "Black women are so much cooler with sex than white women." (If you think implying black women are looser than white women is gonna get you some, you're wrong.)
1. "I'm voting for Obama." (Millions of people are voting for Obama. It doesn't make you that cool.)
Are there other things that should never be said? Let us know.
Also check out Things That Can Doom an Interracial Relationship.
In coming months, look for Things You Should Never Say to an Asian Woman, Things You Should Never Say to a Tall Woman, Things You Should Never Say to a White Woman, Things You Should Never Say to a Latina, and Things You Should Never Say to a Redhead.



























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Thursday 17 April
By Frances Davis
One other comment that deserves honorable mention is saying that in comparison to other races, black women are not as fine/attractive/cute. Or comparing the way we dress to other women. We are always being compared to white women. We have our own style.
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Thursday 17 April
By Tracy Cousins
Well the thing I hate is, "I love the way black women can get an attitude so well", like we were born mean, any woman can get a nasty attitude if you make her mad, yes we can be sweet women without being kissasses.
2.) "Is that your real hair wow I didn't know black hair can grow that long (like all the way down to our upper back), you must be mixed?"
3.) "I love how you black women do your ghetto neck rolling thing", not all black women get sassy, and not all blacks are from the ghetto, so I would think you would be insulting those who arent.
4.) " I know you sistas love to be thick, 200lbs. plus is normal for you ladies, so being called fat is ok, right?" No black woman think being unhealthy and sloppy is ok, yes we do like to be thick, but if that's not your normal body type, then trim and fine is ok.
5.) "Oh so when you gonna cook me some soul food?", yes we love our soul food, but please dont request it.
6.) When you're talking to a black mother, and you two are talking about children acting up, dont assume she's ok with that term, "Bay-Bay kids", and surly dont call hers that.
I hope one day we can all be friends if our personalities allow us to be, and put all this racial and sexist shit behind us, I hope one day it's not even mentioned what race your friends or lovers are, as long as you like it, but I do love to see people of the same race make babies, their is nothing wrong with each person's unique race that we have to destroy it to get along, may God be with everyone.
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Thursday 17 April
By ELIZABETH
Another one you might want to add is "You don't have any black features..." or "you have a white girl body" i.e. like an ethnic nose, lips, etc. I hear that a lot. It is so irritating and offensive. Just another stereotype...
Thursday 17 April
By Elmo Jones
Have we completely destroyed the credibility and therefore the sustainability of the Black race in America? If the racial climate is such that people who think such things would even approach you, then the issue of respect is moot. It does not exist, and you are being played. Some mistakingly think that the player phenomenon is a Black thing, but Cleopatra was played by Julius Ceasar 2055 years ago. She was left dead, her nation in ruins and her people eventually sold into slavery. Damn, bet she wishes she'd stayed her silly ass at home.
Why do you feel the need to make sure that door is open in the first place? Aren't the men who look like your father, brother, uncle, cousins, and grandfathers enough for you? And if not, why not? Think of the damage you are doing to those mentioned above every time you drop your draws like a bitch in heat. Hell he is already so messed up he thinks that going after the white man’s woman brings him a certain amount of credibility, there is some serious desperation going on. None of this is about love, it is about power.
Sure the Black man has been beaten up in this culture, and to bring him around to a standard is going to take the concerted effort of all of us. While at the same time staying alert to all the subtle nuances hidden in the white agenda. This cannot be accomplished if we are led to believe that race doesn't matter, and at the same time complain about the ongoing racial segregation and implications in America. You cannot have a little bit of jungle fever, either you have it or you don't. And as with any sickness, it will destroy you or some part of you eventually.
We might be on the verge of having a Black person hold the job of Commander in Chief over the nation which once enslaved us. But, if we are not cognizant of our position, and the opportunities for damage which will most assuredly arise, then the next African American president could be 25, 50, or even 100 years away. Hell the last time a Black person was brave enough to even run was 24 years ago, and the run before that which was basically just an effort to prove that we could run and not get killed for it was Shirley Chisholm 36 years ago,12 years before Jesse Jackson’s run in 1984, and a total of 388 years since plymouth rock landed on us.
The idea of the free for all love-in died at Woodstock 40 years ago. Wipe yer ass, pull up your panties and begin to raise your sons to be, men. A tough enough job when a high percentage have no immediate reliable male role model to emulate. With each successive generation falling into the same trap of complaining that there are no men, while not taking the time to concentrate on building real men. Everybody wants the Black man to step up and be a man, but nobody wants to take the time to raise one.
You cannot ask an enemy to take his foot off your neck, he'll laugh at you and apply more pressure, because you just told him that his current application is having the desired effect.
One thing that a Black man cannot say to a Black woman?
"Honey I had a successful day, and I got a raise and a promotion, aren't you proud of me?"
Her reply too many times has been....
"Who do you think you are? I could have gotten that raise in less time and for more money. I'm taking the kids and I want half, because you think you better than me. And believe me, the white justice system will help me bring your ass down at no charge to me.”
Why do we feel the need to waste our time and energy on such sickening bullshit? When we are among the first few generations to have a voice on the floor, and should be speaking retroactively for our ancestors who had no voice, but had a great enough love for us to sacrifice themselves, and their self respect, that we might live and reclaim it one day.
I think a better and more poignant question would be. Why is it the Black woman is so arrogant, that a successful Black man is an affront to her?
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Thursday 17 April
By Anise Upshaw
Who you love is your personal business. I have a problem with Black men who slide to the other side. Not for the reason some of you may think. Some men think I can sleep and marry a white woman and still disrespect the Black woman. That is so not cool. For some, it is a validation of their success in whatever venue their profession lies. Please don't say that is not the case, it is the truth. When a Black woman is involved with a white man, Black men flip. You cannot be angry when the men opened the door. As my mother has said to me " White men have always wanted Black women. Black men used to die just for looking at a white woman. It is about freedom of choice but Black men do not take their women along with them to shine in the spotlight. They want exotic babies and stringy hair women. It is their choice. Black women have to validate themselves and find love wherever it is." Personally, I wish that Black men learn how to stand up and be honest. It isn't the fact that there are not strong, beautiful and independent Black women out there for them. It is about status and who looks prettier on your arm. I hope it all works out for you.
Thursday 17 April
By Comedy
ahhh!!! Cleopatra was not played by Ceasar she was not played at all. She had all the power even when she was with Marc Antony and that scared Romans of the decadent rival factions of Antony against Brutus.
Saturday 19 April
By Emma Adhi
It is definitely people like Elmo Jones who are so stereotypical that make even an honest comment seem so ugly. To make references like "The Black woman", Or "The Black man", or even "The White man" etc shows a lack of insight because the truth is that, simply being of the same race in no way means thinking, believing or acting alike. To illustrate, I happen to know a friend who is a White man, who never dates White women at all because he honestly feels attracted to color in his women and I can relate because my man has to have color or I'm simply not attracted. As a black woman, I would see nothing wrong with my friend saying "I only date black women", because he is sincere but if Don Imus said it, well... a can of worms and rightfully so. I am very supportive of the love of my life who is Black and who constantly says how blessed he is to have me in his life, so to you Elmo and others who think like you, I most certainly do not fit into your capsule of the arrogant Black woman and I'm sure so many other Black women don't!! Maybe when or if you shed that stereotypical attitude you will realize that in matters of race, one size does not fit all.
Thursday 17 April
By forrealdog2
wow, dang, heckfire, shucks, u tell'em girl....now wat i am about to say sounds rehearsed and totally fake....but.... i do feel that u r right and that the black race has made tremendous strides in the past 30 yrs.... i am old and go way back. I have a deep love for my fellow Americans and this country and we all make it up ..... colors galore !!! I think when we stand before our Maker there will be no kool dudes or attitudes regardless of color or anything else and the false images we see among our youth trying to be tough and bad will suddenly be gone . Lets raise our children to be honourable and to love all people and to be themselves not some mad rapper or sum white thug . We can be competitive in business and sports and still have a genuine love for our fellow man and woman...and u r right in the fact that i feel there is nothing wrong the continuation of our own race if that is what an individual wants ........ God Bless U and all America
Thursday 17 April
By lisa
I am one of those women who would welcome and support a successful black man. Not becaue he could take care of me but becuaes it would make me proud!!!
Thursday 17 April
By Nic
To Elmo Jones:
As a Black woman, your rant is utterly demeaning to Black women everywhere, no matter who they date. Congratulations for not only indulging in negative sterotypes of Black women, but also in betraying the part you so obviously play in perpetuating these ignorant and hateful sterotypes of Black women we have to struggle against daily already from White society. You are a blatant misogynist, demonstrated in the very words you write purportedly to "unite" Blacks against our "enemy". "Bet she wishes she'd stayed her 'silly ass' at home," and "...every time you drop your draws like a bitch in heat..." are not exactly words that unite the sexes. Furthermore, did you ever think that your attitude towards Black women is the reason someone you knew or dated (any first year psychology major can see that you're angry about your OWN experiences) may choose to look outside of her own color to find a respectful man? Thank goodness MOST Black women DON'T overgeneralize about Black men the way you do about Black women, and DO look within their own culture for a suitable partner, otherwise the entire population of African descent would disappear in the matter of two generations. If you stopped to think, you would not be so quick to disparage an entire segment of the population which is simply trying to get by the best we can, which is not easy given that amidst our own efforts to be considered equal with White men and women, we also have to worry about being stabbed in the back by "our own" men, like you. Good looking out "brother".
Friday 18 April
By dj
ummm...hey...Mr. Dumas, Cleopatra made sure Mark Anthomny killed himself 1st after she seduced him with his bosses love child in order to try and gain favor with rome for egyp He threw everything he had away for the the love of a women (black or white) and she knew she had played the wrong hand (twice) did she "kill" herself
Friday 18 April
By Evelyn
I can not believe that in today's day and age we still have dumb people both black and white who can not get past color. Yes, I understand our history, which is why I have to appreciate our future.
Leave the man alone about his wife. He loves her and she loves him. Look love is not promised to anyone and it takes work no matter what color you are. If you are in a black/black, white/white, black/white puerto rican etc...love is love and does not care about color, we as american's or humans do...so who's hang up is it any ways?
Saturday 19 April
By Felicia
A very interesting blog. My question to you is when will the black man stand up and take his rightful place in society. It is the black man who runs to the white woman over and over again. He thinks that he has "arrived" because he has a white woman. The white man do not care about the white woman that the black man has because he has a million more just like her. Plus, he looks at her as a N@$@# lover and will not take her back. If the black man want to assume his rightful place in this society he must first be responsible for his actions. He can do this by fathering the children that he creates, stop fathering so many children out of wedlock. Acquire an education I get so tired of hearing people say that the white man is holding them down, but they won't finshed highschool. Is the white man really holding you down? It is the responsibility of the black man to stand up and become the leader that he is suppose to be. Remember that the sisters have been by your side from the beginning, but she will no longer sacrifice her happeness. She will accept love and happiness from whomever respects and loves her for the queen that she is.
Sunday 20 April
By Julia
You are the preetiest black woman a have ever seen.
Sunday 29 June
By mizzday
"We might be on the verge of having a Black person hold the job of Commander in Chief over the nation which once enslaved us."
I just love your selective racism. Just don't forget, the "black" man who may hold the job of commander in chief is the child of a white woman and a black man. The same interracial couples that you are against has produced someone of whom you have the nerve to claim. Don't bother because to tell you the truth, had it not been for many black/white relationships people like you wouldn't be able to claim many victories.
Sunday 06 July
By veronica moton
I agree with most of what you've said and yes there are some children or boys who may not have good role models and fall int o a trap...but what about the ones that lack models and choose to be men anyway....stop making excuses for your own failures black man and be the father and the model to your children and for GODSake your woman too.
Thursday 17 April
By Anonymous
To Elmo Jones,
I completely understand where you are coming from, but I do have comment. When you wrote "Aren't the men who look like your father, brother, uncle, cousins, and grandfathers enough for you? And if not, why not?" I personally do not feel this way. I find all races attractive and race does not play a role in my decision to choose a potential husband. I look for the best man that can bring out the best in me and not solely based on race. A White man could be more abusive than a Black man, but that's not my criteria.
I think Black women in general have raised their standards and simply refuse to accept bulls*** from anyone. As a gender, we hold ourselves at a higher standard and want to feel as though we equal because we are equal. If a Black man, or any man for that matter, feels that we are too confident, then he isn't the right man. The right man will not be intimidated by his woman being confident in her abilities. The right man will see this as an asset to him and to their future children.
So, I don't feel that I put on a persona or scare men away. I know my worth and I refuse to settle for anythng less than what I deserve. Are my standards too high? No, I don't think so. I refuse to let a man demand sex from me or be his housemaid. It degrades my education and my self worth. I also refuse to be a doormat. If I don't agree with your opinion, then I will let you know, but I expect you to listen to me the same I would listen to you.
This isn't a personal attack on you, but the sterotypes you mentioned don't apply to every Black female. They certainly don't apply to me.
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Thursday 17 April
By monmcmil
Don't even ask why the black women is so errougant when the truth is that black men just love how white women will put up with so much bull from you guys.Black women in most cases are strong and need to be the back bone for most black men who dont feel the need to accomplish anything in life even when he has kids and a family.
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Thursday 17 April
By O Jay
I have to say that this whole "jungle fever" thing is S-T-U-P-I-D.
I married a white woman for the best possible reason---she was there for me and wanted to spend the rest ofher life with me.
We have a beautiful little boy, who I think the world of.
I wouldn't trade the last 12 years of my life for anything.
So, you don't like it---don't look.
And learn to mind your own damn business.
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Friday 18 April
By tlc
to the brother with the baby boy with the whiote woman.
congrats. by the way ah hope back in slavery time her ancestors wasn't raping your own.
how dare you. in her eyes you are just a plain little"you know what" ah bet yuh she would sell you for a dime in a skip of a heart beat.sell out.
yuh mother should have sell you when she had the chance.
ah hoep that you have wenough money to buy botox,weave,ah yes a fal;se behind. nto to mention boobs.
whsoe yuh daddy now,black dude.
pint yuh self white no black women won't want you. after all fresh,fresh,fresh.
do the maths.