Dear Sir. Hubert TC. William Buxomley, Duke of Cobham,

I read your letter arguing for the re-incorporation of America into the British Empire. Your arguments have caused a literal eruption of my spleen. (BTW, I'll be sending you my medical bills, as the American health care system is spotty at best.) As we celebrate our 232nd year of blissful independence from the hated Red Coats, perhaps it's time to finally make amends. And by make amends, I mean surrender to us entirely.

Here is how we (us) will both (just us) benefit from making England a permanent part of the States. (We're going to conquer you.)

Yeah, yeah, it's a cliché that your food is terrible. But you know the funny thing about cliches? They're usually true. Have you ever actually tasted blood pudding? (Though you did have the brilliant idea to pair fried fish with French fries. I would applaud you if my hands weren't currently covered in Cheet-o dust.) Give us five minutes with your so-called bangers and mash, and they'll be wrapped in bacon and sandwiched and between two Krispy Kremes before you can say "bob's your uncle." (Why do you people say that? From now on you speak American in the 51st state: "New England East.")

More reasons after the jump.

Granted, much of America's current tabloid culture originated in the United Kingdom. Therefore, after your inevitable submission, we will combine our celeb mags into one all-powerful, all-seeing "super rag." No celebrity will be safe. The Olsens will quake in their Ugg boots. Hayden Panettiere will think twice before taking her dog on a stroll to Starbucks. And Amy Winehouse will continue to act like a crackhead vagabond. (P.S., you can keep her.)

This one's a no-brainer. Ninety percent of our shows come from the U.K. anyway. At this point it would just be easier to air whatever you're showing on the BBC right now. You've got like four of them, might as well share the wealth. And your "Big Brother" has way more cleavage than ours. (And no Julie Chen.)


Put simply, you have too many. Big Ben? Who needs a clock anymore when everyone's got cell phones? Moving forward, all of your landmarks will be used to sell ad space. Trafalgar Square will henceforth be known as Boost Mobile Plaza. Tower of London? Trump Tower: Ol' Blimey. And Parliament? Dave & Buster's.

Sienna Miller
Failing all of the above, America demands that an immediate "declaration" for the "independence" of Sienna Miller be drawn up. (She was born in New York City, after all.) Once the emancipation of Sienna is complete (and she's liberated more often from her clothing), she'll be free to become a permanent fixture in American films, television, and the fantasies of 13-year-old boys. Sienna has been under the tyranny of the Queen for far too long. (Stop sniveling, you get Heidi Montag as a trade.)

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people are created equal. Except for the Red Coats.

Happy 4th,
Joe Bob McBaldEagleton