Network: 
Believe it or not, we're big fans of art here at Asylum. (Mainly art made out of LEGO bricks.) But we also love art galleries, because they are a great place to take women and often serve alcohol.However, on our last couple of jaunts to the local art show, we've noticed a disturbing phenomenon. A lot of modern art is deeply, deeply unsexy. Not just weird, but explicitly damaging to the libido.
Whether it's a nude sculpture of Britney Spears in the throes of labor, or just an enormous painting of a sad, naked old man, sometimes everything that may be interesting and profound about a work takes a backseat to its scrotum-shriveling lack of sex appeal. So in the interest of letting you know what to avoid, we've collected some of the unsexiest artwork we could find.
Weird and Uselss Sports Merch
Executive Batting Practice
Nothing like taking office batting practice with this desktop-sized pitching machine to demonstrate to your underlings that: A) You can really turn on a 55 mph heater, and B) You have no qualms about damaging the workplace with a batted ball.
1ofakindstuff.com
Aqua Golf
On hot summer days, kids are always complaining that there's no where to go to work on their short game. Fortunately, that waste of space you call a swimming pool can be put to good use.
vacationgadgets.com
N Range Indoor Shooting System
Like shooting, but hate leaving the comforts of home? Then get your own indoor shooting range. NOW who's the creepy one in the neighborhood?!
nrange.com
The Urban Basketball Backpack
For the man who needs more ball space OR why tuck your ball under your arm when you can store it on your backside?
ohgizmo.com
skymall.com
Bowling Pin Hat
For those days you want to prove that you really are a tool.
prankplace.com
vacationgadgets.com
designtoscano.com
americantailgater.com
vacationgadgets.com
Comments:
Add a comment
Tuesday 08 July
By My Serota
The corpulent lady on the couch, "Benefits Supervisor Sleeping", was painted by Lucian Freud, not Francis Bacon.
Reply
Tuesday 08 July
By SUSAN NEWMAN
I LIKE the dead Paris Hilton sculpture. Can anyone tell me where I could get a knockoff?
Reply
Tuesday 08 July
By peggy van buskirk
A lot of misogyny going on here. The hatred of women is palpable.
Reply
Tuesday 08 July
By SKW
I'm not sure what part of modern art as a whole is intended to be sexy...
Reply
Wednesday 09 July
By Mustafa
Artistic work indeed.
Reply
Wednesday 09 July
By terry
HOW SICK
Reply
Wednesday 09 July
By omino jakiju
Nice censorship job /sarcasm
Reply
Wednesday 09 July
By nancy
That's exactly what the title under the picture of Benefits Supervisor Sleeping says..." This Lucian Freud painting". Where do you come up with Francis Bacon?
Reply
Wednesday 09 July
By Michael Coleman
PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY MONEY FOR THIS SHT. HOW ABOUT THE RELIGIOUS ARTICLE IN URINE. THATS NOT ART. I GUESS THATS WHY THEY SERVE BOOZE.
Reply
Wednesday 09 July
By Ms. M
That didn't really look like Britney Spears. It did look like a long limbed well sculpted mother about to give birth. It was a beautiful sculpture of a pregnant woman, but Britney Spears has shorter, heavier, bigger, arms and legs.
The sculpture of Paris Hilton at her autopsy was bizarre.
Typically a cadaver is laying flat. Paris has her legs open as if to have sex with her lover. It was a more accurate body depiction of Paris compared to the unrealistic depiction of Britneys body.
The Chinese protester had a very sexy and beautiful body.
Her legs are flailing open and I believe you can see her genitalia.
That is very sexy for heterosexual men to see, a sexy woman with her legs flailing open and revealing no panties.
The Penis Bed is making a huge Penis statement. I don't believe anyone could move that thing, it looks enormous and heavy.
The two women bending over a pair of penis' is a strange
message, I am not sure why they called it "Cowboy", but
it is a negative body image when the woman is cut in half, and stuck to the other woman, both missing half of their bodies for no apparent reason. Were this a real sculpting or was it just two store front window manikins? The hair made it seem as if they were just two manikins rudely stuck together for a private laugh for the artist and his friends.
The fat guy with the giant elephant tusk coming out of his penis area in his pants screams at us to notice his horniness, notice the fat guy with the big elephant tusk. It's repulsive, and what is the point of a blatant message with no sublety? To hit us over the head with the fat guys thoughts or actions regarding sex?
All of these sculptings are either morbid or bizarre and that is a reflection of the way our world is today. Life is hard, unless you are rich. It is a world of celebrity worship, celebrity over exposure,
shallow, materialistic values and a loss of respect and confidence.
People act in dark and mysterious ways, celebrities encourage overexposure of their lives, Paparazzi try to take photos to make a living and thereby making us know way too much about all of the actors and actresses who make their money acting in a movie or on TV.
In a manipulative strategy, the far right has placed a strangle hold on free expression in our times.
The art world reflects that by presenting an alternative view of the world by creating and supporting these sculptings.
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By David
This article is so idiotic. Since when was modern art meant to be sexy? This is the kind of hyper-braindead stuff that would have been included in the movie "Idiocracy"
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By jedda
Why does everything have to be judeged in terms of whether it's "sexy" or not?
A lot of these pieces are amazing.
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By Jeffrey J.
"We're not sure what's more disturbing -- the sculpture, or the fact that Britney is allowed to procreate in real life, too." Wow, that's so clever and cutting edge. Attacking Britney Spears. I'm going to be blunt here and say that I think the people who wrote that are lower than dirt. I'm not a Britney music fan (Green Day is more up my alley), but I don't see the point in these relentless attacks on a woman who obviously is suffering from a neurological disorder. These haters are the worst kind of people.
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By coblond21
These so called art sculpters are sick and wrong, and I can not
believe any human in there right mind would pay good money for this crap. This isnt art is junk.
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By Anne
I am sure that the guys who made the comments are pretty much dorky looking, fat, bad teeth, questionable cleanliness, habitual mastubators, single. geeky, immature, porn addicts, "what they are attracted to is not their match in real life" cheater losers. It sucks that dorky IT guys get to make all the comments... i want to see their fat white bloated pimply, ugly yellow teeth bald heads in their comments. They are not fit to comment!
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By Michele
Sad as it may seem, art says different things to different people. Personally, I loved the pregnant Britney and completely agree that it looked nothing like her. Yet the sculpture in general was tastefully done. Either way, it took great imagination to come up with these things and not all people could have. That's why they are unique. No one has to like them and no one has to buy them. The artist worked hard and in most cases, sees it in a completely different way than most of us take it. Then it is thrown in a museum and other people write what they will about it. Which in turn tells people how to feel about it. Had any of you accidentally stumbled across these works without the help of aol, you may have felt differently about the way you perceived it. Open your minds and see what you see without being told to see something that someone else sees. It's art, judge for yourself. Look up each piece individually and learn how it came to be. Learn what really motivated Picasso to paint his Les Demoiselles d'Avignon, you may be surprised and even see it differently. If you can click your way to this point, you can click your way to find what they are really about. As far as the penis bed goes...I would gladly sleep next to any man who didn't feel threatened or inadequate by that. Also...just because you were always taught that things of such nature were dirty or shouldn't be seen, doesn't mean you cannot make up your own mind.
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By Allie
Ms M, instead of trying to be smug try looking at history. The communist goals, set into OUR congress in 1963, clearly state in goal #23 Control art critics and directors of art museums. "Our plan is to promote ugliness, repulsive, meaningless art", and goal #24. Eliminate all laws governing obscenity by calling them "censorship" and a violation of free speech and free press. How about goal #25. Break down cultural standards of morality by promoting pornography and obscenity in books, magazines, motion pictures, radio, and TV, and my favorite (sarcasm intended) #26. Present homosexuality, degeneracy and promiscuity as "normal, natural, healthy."
Once you understand their goals in our country you'll have a better understanding of this "art".
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By Tom
What, in God's name, is the dog doing in the sculpture of an autopsy????? Is this dog chewin' on the innards?? Was she naked with the dog BEFORE she died???? THAT I would believe.
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By Robin
That there is one sick art.
Reply
Thursday 10 July
By Ryan
Why are you censoring art? And why do you censor the painting of penis horses yet you don't when there is a giant penis bed. Doesn't make sense....
And FYI, hate the pop up photo gallery. Just put the images on one page!
Reply