Jul 22nd 2008 By Jeremy Taylor
With all this talk of 3 a.m. phone calls and the candidate who is best qualified to handle a crisis while in his pajamas, we've completely overlooked the most terrifying call a President will ever receive, no matter what the time of day. The one that begins, "The aliens have landed."
So when the creepy green men are demanding to be taken to our leader, is it better that the leader be John McCain or Barack Obama? We break down the pros and cons of each, and make an endorsement. But, since democracy will reign until the aliens take over, the ultimate decision is yours. John McCain Pro:
Already torture tested, a President John McCain wouldn't do something wussy like crumble under the duress of the requisite anal probe and hastily trade a major U.S. city for some sparkly cosmic dust.Con:
When a 71-year-old is introduced to invaders from space, he can't help but conjure up the fantastical movie "Cocoon." Only once McCain drops his guard and prepares to be led to the magical swimming pool of youth, there is a good chance a not-so-senior-friendly alien will eat McCain's brain and then destroy Earth with a death ray.
How Barack Obama compares, after the jump
Barack Obama Pro:
If President Barack Obama is able to bridge the intergalactic gap like he has racial and cultural divides, he could be the one to prevent humanity from being recycled as carbon-based fuel for a giant U.F.O.Con:
We have to assume any visiting life form would be more intelligent than we are. Thus, all of Obama's "hope and change" mumbo-jumbo would probably fall flat, and might even encourage the aliens to cruelly mock our gullibility before they scramble our properties.
VP Wild Card:
In 1994, beloved supermarket tabloid "The Weekly World News" ran an exclusive report outing 12 United States' senators as full-blooded space aliens
. Two of those senators, Christopher Dodd and Sam Nunn, are currently on Barack Obama's Vice-Presidential shortlist. Putting an extraterrestrial on the ticket would solidify Obama's commitment to getting the best deal possible from our new alien overlords, and would make him our pick to defend Earth in the event of a space invasion.