Richard Kern's Erotic Photog Guide -- Shooting Like a Pro

HOW TO CONDUCT YOURSELF LIKE A PRO

Don't be a f**king sleazebag. "You don't have to say, 'Yes, ma'am' and 'No, ma'am,' you just have to be like you're working. You might as well think of it as if you were at a job, like you're doing your work. Girls are quite often pretty shocked that I'm just all business. People tell me that I'm nothing like what they were expecting. They were expecting some crazy person, or somebody real sleazy. And some people say, 'Oh, you really remind me of Woody Allen!' And I'm like, "Great.'"

Nudity or no nudity? "It's all by ratio. If the girl's really good looking, I don't care if she's just in her panties. If she's someone that's really appealing, it won't matter. A lot of times [a] girl will say [no nudity] at the beginning, and then next time you shoot them they'll go, 'I feel more comfortable now,' and do more crazy stuff."

Bring lingerie. "You can get incredibly hot shots with bra and panties on. I've done it a million times. I'll say, 'Keep your panties on.' And then I'll say, 'Let's see what panties you got. Oh, you don't have any? I got a whole pile of 'em here.' And almost everything I have is see-through or silky."

Have some mood music ready. "I just ask them what they want to hear. Or sometimes I'll put on 80s music. It's so corny. When I was a kid, I found this book called "Bernard of Hollywood Shoots Women." It was when books had to have a reason to have nude photos. This guy Bernard was explaining all this stuff. And that was one of the things he said, 'Put on soothing music.'"

What are the best poses? "There's shots that I'm pretty confident I can almost always get no matter what the girl looks like. One of those is laying sprawled out on a bed. I can almost always get one there. On her back, like if you were looking down on the bed at a girl sprawled out in front of you -- that kind of look. You can make that look appealing to almost any guy, because it's a thing that a guy likes to see."

Will models come onto you? "That happened sometimes when I was younger. I'm 53 now. Sometimes girls are expecting more of an experience. Some photographers I know -- some really big names who shoot sexual stuff -- I know that girls go to the shoot expecting some kind of crazy scene to happen. I don't think they're expecting the crazy scene with me. They probably think I'm like a dad or something."

Hands off. The main thing is never come onto them in even the slightest way. You might say, 'Wow you've got a great body,' [but] I never try to hug them, or touch them. If I've known them for a while and we're shooting and we know each other pretty good, I might move their foot or something like that when it's a shot I keep trying to get and I can't get in the right position. That's about it. The safer they feel, the further they'll go, basically."

Expect the unexpected. "For a while I was shooting up girl's skirts -- that was one of the things I shot every time. I'd get down on the ground under her and shoot up. It was funny -- I was in Mexico City shooting this girl who had no problem with anything. She's naked. And then when I tell her to put some clothes on, I'm going to shoot up her skirt, she freaked out. She was like, 'What are you doing? What is this? This is sick. Let me see the release. This cannot be used anywhere. No one can ever see it.' That was one of those problematic models."