Never a Good Idea -- The Booty Text

Each week, we get a woman to tell us about a guy's oafish attempt to impress her. Why? We want to learn something from the fairer sex. (OK, we also want to laugh at the tool.) If you have a tale, e-mail it to us.

Vittoria from "Always a drunk, never a bride" writes: I had been out of town for a week or so, and one of my friends with benefits and I had been texting about getting together when I got back. I was to come home Friday, but decided that I'd probably want to stay in and relax solo after my trip, so I suggested we "get take-out" (our codeword for "bump uglies") on Saturday. He said cool, great, I'll see you then and I got back to my apartment and settled in for a night of pizza, wine and my romantic comedy collection.

After a couple of glasses of Chianti I was feeling warm and happy enough to start updating my Facebook status to things like "Vittoria loves Hugh Grant's dancing in Love Actually," "Vittoria thinks that Harry Burns can partake of her pecan pie anytime he wants to." Stupidly, I also included, "Vittoria wishes Owen Wilson would crash the wedding in her PANTS ... err, her apartment."

Apparently my FWB was also drunk and also on Facebook that night, and decided that if I was back, we should get take-out NOW. Unfortunately for FWB, my wine had started to wear off when he started to make his argument via text.

Read more about one man's booty text faux pas after the jump.


"Yo Vicks, we should totally get take-out tonight" comes the message at 12:07am, as I am getting into my pajamas. I don't respond.

12:15 "VITTORIA! ANSWER ME! LET'S HAVE SEX!" That one deserved a response, I decided. I texted back, "meh, I am asleep I will see you tomorrow."

12:19: "Vicky you whore, you dirty whore, come to my apartment now. I know you're in town I saw it on FB". Um, whore? I appreciate dirty talk in foreplay, but that took it a little far. I ignored him again.

12:20: "Vicky"
12:21: "Vicky VICK Y VICKY"
12:23: "VICKY I NEED TO GET LAID"

Needless to say, those texts (and the four more that followed) didn't convince me to go to FWB's apartment. In fact, the only thing it DID do was convince me that I was coming down with a cold and had to miss take-out the next night.

Lesson #1: Stating outright that you need to get laid makes you significantly less attractive to me, I don't care HOW good your bedside manner is.

Lesson #2: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. In common parlance: don't call a girl who's willing to sleep with you without strings a whore.