The MILF Hunter: This guy likes his women like he likes his wine -- full bodied and approaching menopause. He's always eager to visit your parents for Thanksgiving, and is a little too familiar with the filmography of Diane Lane. He doesn't just have a thing for "cougars," this grown-up baby actually needs to be taken care of. Attempts to see your sister will be be thwarted by his constant need to be waited on hand-and-foot.
The Fun Sponge: Perpetually cooler than the room, this guy, aka Poo Face, can't wait to leave the bar/party/concert/family reunion. He'll make your sister feel uncomfortable with his constant air of boredom and annoyance, and generally suck the fun out of any situation. Ironically, upon leaving said situation, he'll claim to have had a great time.
Anna Goldfarb, Lemondrop
The Marv Albert: This gentleman has a taste for all things kinky, much like everyone's favorite panty-wearing sportscaster. He's into all the weird stuff that you laugh about with your friends (like, say, furries or balloon fetishists); the stuff you would never in a million years want your sister involved in.
Arlington County Police / AP
The Chronic Fapper: This guy takes the mainstreaming of porn way too far, incessantly dropping his love for Tera Patrick and Katie Morgan in mixed company. His web browser's bookmarks are 90 hardcore sex-related, and he's perpetually exhausted despite rarely leaving his bedroom. He's so familiar with the output of Vivid Video, he can even name the male porn stars.
The Stifler: He's the ultimate frat boy, and still loves to party despite the fact that he's 37. He chugs PBR without a hint of irony, and thinks Will Ferrell doesn't make enough sports comedies. He might be fun to occasionally play flip cup with in an effort to relive your college years, but he's mostly just sad. He subsists on a diet of pizza and burritos, and is perpetually borrowing money from your sister in a never-ending quest to own every single "Girls Gone Wild" DVD.
The Snoozefest: This guy works in finance, or maybe he's in IT. Either way, he's boring as hell. He thinks television peaked at "Friends," and his CD collection features dangerous levels of Jack Johnson. Your sister might describe him as a "nice guy," which is code for "completely unf&!kable."
The "Ish" Guy: He makes vague plans with your sister, then never follows through. "Drinks next week? Say Wednesday or Thursday-ish?" That "ish" means she should expect to see him sometime between not at all and never.
The Patrick Bateman: In honor of pop music-loving serial killer from "American Psycho." He'll build up your sister's confidence, only to tear it down. He'll screw her friends behind her back, steal money from her purse, and make her feel about two-inches-tall (ironically, also the size of his member.). He might actually turn out to be a chainsaw-wielding maniac with a taste for Phil Collins-era Genesis. (For a softer version, see James Spader).
Lions Gate / Everett Collection
The "Pitchfork" Reader: Rolls his eyes at you for not knowing who Sebadoh is, and enjoys ripping on Vampire Weekend for being "so 2007." He'll take your sister to filthy clubs to see yet another Broken Social Scene side project, and has more avant-jazz CDs than anyone probably should. (Which is to say, more than one.) His disdain for your taste in music also extends to your taste in movies, your haircut and your favorite Thai takeout place.
The Jackass: This guy's moniker works two-fold: he's both a fan of Johnny Knoxville and crew, and also an actual jackass. His idea of intelligent discourse is incessantly quoting "Family Guy," and the last thing he read was a Bazooka Joe comic. He may also aspire to a political career someday or currently be in politics.