Everyone has bad roommates, but consider living with nine people in an apartment above a New York fish market. That's been my home for the past seven months. Ice cold showers, rat traps and even a trespassing bum ("searching for Magic Johnson," he said) all come with this treacherous terrain.On a recent morning, I headed for the shower and was greeted by a giant "no. 2" on the bathroom floor. One of my roommates was so wasted he didn't realize he'd missed the toilet and just went straight to bed after dropping a "drunken deuce."
Needless to say, I was interested in Kathryn Williams' new book "Roomies" about how to civilly share your home with "friends, strangers, and total freaks." This guide offers both mature and passive-aggressive ways of dealing with problematic roommates. I paraphrased some of my favorite tips from the book and attached them to fave photographic memories of my cohabitating life. All text courtesy of Chronicle Books.
Roommate Survival Guide
Your Roomie Won't Remove His Toxic Garbage
Mature: Next time the trash needs to go, wait till your roommate's around and ask him to take it on his way out.
Passive-Aggressive: Leave a message from the "City Sanitation Department" on your roomie's voicemail announcing garbage men will no longer be making house calls. Don't disguise your voice.
Bonnie Biess, Asylum
Cold Showers (Someone Else Uses the Hot Water)
Mature: Ask roomie to cut back on shower time. If this doesn't work you can always sneak in before they do.
Passive-Aggressive: Set off the smoke alarm when roomie's time is up. When she returns from evacuation to find you've jumped in, she should get the hint. If not, repeat daily.
Bonnie Biess, Asylum
Horrible Hairball in the Shower
Mature: Nicely mention the hairballs to your roommate and make sweeping and Drano a regular part of cleaning.
Passive-Aggressive: Ask your roomie if she's feeling okay. Add that hair loss can be a sign of illness and offer to take her to the doctor.
Bonnie Biess, Asylum
Petty Theft of Your Food from the Fridge
Mature: Ask if anyone mistook your food for theirs. The moocher might fess up and offer to replace. If this doesn't work, save your pennies and invest in a mini-fridge.
Passive-Aggressive: Stick Post-it notes with your name on every last food item that belongs to you in the fridge. If the grazing has been potentially heinous, stencil your initials onto individual eggs or tick with a permanent marker the level of your orange juice in the carton. If this doesn't shame them into buying their own groceries, nothing will.
Bonnie Biess, Asylum
The Dish Pile That Won't Go Away
Mature: Do your own dishes and politely inform him that you've left his to be done in the sink or suggest a schedule whereby one roommate does the dishes one day and the other the following day.
Passive-Aggressive: Magically transport the offensive dishes to your roommate's bed, then deny you have any knowledge of how they got there. (Also works well with garbage.)
Bonnie Biess, Asylum
Too Much Sexytime Noise
Mature: Quietly remind your roommate that the walls of your apartment are thin, and politely suggest limiting their amorous activities to when they're alone in the apartment. If you're living with a nymphomaniac, earplugs are your new best friend.
Passive-Aggressive: Leave a pair of women's underwear in your roomie's bed for "Tallulah" to find. The screaming that ensues will likely be her last, at least in your apartment.
Bonnie Biess, Asylum
Towel Stealing
Mature: Start keeping your towel in your bedroom or closet.
Passive-Aggressive: Monogram the crap out of your towels. A nice alternative to your initials: the word "MINE."
Bonnie Biess, Asylum
The Toilet Paper Left Empty
Mature: Shake it off or dumpster dive for clean scraps. Then kindly ask your roommate to get a jumbo pack when he's out.
Passive-Aggressive: Slip him an Ex-lax, make sure there's nothin' but cardboard on the roll, and see how he likes coming up short in his time of need. He won't let you run out again.
Bonnie Biess, Asylum
If you have any roommate horror stories, don't be scared to share them in our comments.
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Friday 14 November
By neuronurse
I came home one day, after being in school from 7-3 then working 3-11 and found my roomate had moved out and took everything, table, dishes, even the shower curtain!!!!
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Friday 14 November
By Kristi
I had 2 roommates once, they were a couple...not only did they argue all the time, but they insisted that they fought because of me. The were also pigs, there where times that I couldn't see the kitchen counter because they would cook instant mashed potatoes and leave everything they used on the counter. Also when we first moved in they had boxes upon boxes in the dining room, and they stayed there for like 3 months!
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Friday 14 November
By Caleb
One time I lived with this chick who thought she wrote the book on cohabitation. Turns out she had.
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Friday 14 November
By Mike
I recently had a roomie who was so into drugs - against my knowledge - How I wasn't aware is beyond me - In order for me to get rent money and bill money she did her taxes and had the money directly deposited into my bank account - YAY! for extra stimulus payment - I come home one day a few months after and asked for $100 for bills and she rolled it up and snorted a line of coke with it and said "I am strapped for cash this month" I proceded to kick her and her bf out - Thank god she wasnt on the lease - 2 months afterwards my new roomie/best friend and I had our door almost beat down by the police at 6am looking for her because she fradulently stole several peoples checks and cashed them to herself - Talk about hell afterwards - I've recently moved to get away from all her dealer friends
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Friday 14 November
By mojo
One night, I'm on the computer in my room and I hear all this loud diesel engine noise coming from outside. I crack the blinds and I see the parking lot is full of EMS and cops etc. Of course I am curious, so I go down to see what's going on. When I get down there, My roommate is being loaded onto a gurney in the kitchen and some cops are talking in my living room. They ask me who I am and if my roommate had a history of doing this. I asked, "Doing what?" They told me she tried to commit suicide by taking 200 Xanex. Needless to say, I was pretty shocked. Later, when she got out of the state's care, I was trying to decide if I should move. But if I did that, I knew she couldn't afford the bills alone and I was afraid she might go over the edge again. Pardon the pun.
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Monday 24 November
By squash
I had a roommate who just had to bring her boyfriend over everyweekend. They lived about six hours apart. After I'd made it very clear that I wasn't comfortable having him there while I was asleep, I thought she understood. Then she made a little fort on her bed about six months later.
About two weeks before finals, she left our dorm, and I roll over, glad she'sgone. Then her bed creaks. And I'm a little freaked out. I turn my head and see a man-hand sticking out! Silly roomie, letting your boyfriend sleep while trying to be incognito... As it was still very cold in the mornings, I proceeded to open the windows and turn off the heater and throw open our black-out curtains, also made sure to make as much noise as possible while getting ready. Soon the hand disappeared, but only when my back was turned. As a finishing touch, I decided to blast the ever-peaceful Rammstein as a morning greeting.
I do realizr that sounds kinds of nuts, but there were other shenanigans throughout the year that totally justify this... I promise
muah ha ha
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Wednesday 19 November
By rg
I just had my buddy of 6 years move in with me about 3 or 4 weeks ago. We get along very well and have many of the same interests so there are no problems with tolerating eachother, but so far hasn't bought a dime of food since being here and when he payed his half of the rent, was left with 30 dollars and instead of buying something important like food, spent it on a case of beer and a pack of cigarettes and continued to eat my food afterwards.
This really peeves me because he only really eats mac and cheese and could have bought himself a month supply with that money. On top of that, he managed to drink a four-litre jug of my milk in literally 4 days. I didn't notice til I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and realized I had only half a glass of milk to wash it down. He NEVER has cigarettes and is always asking me for just one more to which I have told him now NO MORE. Then the worst of it, since he has moved in, he hasn't had even ONE shower, not ONE.
I've tried politely telling him he stinks, i've tried directly telling him he stinks, ive tried making light hearted jokes, ive straight up told him he needs to have a shower, and all I get are excuses. Mainly, hes too tired.... WHO THE F IS SOO TIRED THAT THEY CANT HAVE A SHOWER IN A MONTH?? He even said one day that "I walked 3 hours and worked another 7 so im too sore and tired" so what does he do? Sprays his feet with air freshener because he says he knows his feet smell because of all that walking and working. I say why dont you just have a shower instead of using the air freshener and again, too tired. And on top of that, maybe it wouldnt be so bad if he didn't work manual labour for a living and come home in sweat stained clothing and with black hands (he NEVER washes his hands either) and then to make it worse.... i swear his clothing can't have been washed for at least 2 or 3 months, he just wears the same stuff over and over. Had to actually borrow a pair of my shorts cause he had none and now uses them as underwear. Then, this guy has managed to have sex with at least 3 girls this past month so on top of the dirt, sweat and filth accumulating on his skin he has sex juice from 3 different girls all over him. I've had to retreat to my bedroom now since it has become so bad out in the living room now. He has no incentive to clean up after himself and never cleans up on his own free will. He will only help with house work when im doing it and hes not surfing facebook with my computer. And the extent of his housecleaning abilities begin and end with drying dishes. To which i said to him why don't you find something else to tidy up, i got the dishes, to which he just went back onto face book. He hasn't changed or taken out the trash once since being here even if he tops it off. Instead, he stacks trash on top of it so when I get home there is garbage lying around the trash can. On my days off I generally spend a couple hours tidying up and on his days off he sits on facebook and youtube all day and literally doesnt move, and again, doesnt find the time in that entire day to shower.
I needed to vent a little...that was good.
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Thursday 20 November
By tricia
so this actually happened to my sister but it is BY FAR the worst roommate story i have ever heard. One day, my sister and 2 of her 3 roommates were sitting around their apartment and smelled a foul odor coming out of the 4th roommate's room. She wasn't home so the other 3 decided to investigate. well what they came upon will shock you... they tracked the smell to the girl's bottom desk drawer and upon opening it, found a tampon box filled with the girl's USED tampons! What's worse is that she took them with her when she moved!
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Sunday 23 November
By tanya
My ex-roommate (from about 15 years ago) slept with my ex-husband.....nuff said.
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Friday 28 November
By michelle
This year I had run into some personal issues at home and was forced to move out. Luckily my boyfriend (of only a few months at the time) was kind enough to let me stay with him until I could get things settled. His roommate, who was also his ex-girlfriend from about a year before, was a total bitch. At first she was completely opposed to having me stay there, even though my only other choice was to sleep in my car. He finally convinced her to let me stay there, you know since I offered to pay a third of the rent. At first she didn't even want me to be there when he wasn't there, even when I was paying rent and electric. I had my boyfriend cut me a key anyway. She got over that, and attempted to be friends with me for a few weeks. That was fine and dandy until she got really drunk one night and started a pyscho fit, this is when her true colors started to show. From then on it was the longest 3 months of my life. She was filthy, she'd make mac'n'cheese and leave the pot with have the food still in it sitting out for days. She would leave beer bottles around the apartment, and refused to do any cleaning. We had also made a rule about having people over that we had to let each other know ahead of time. She would go out, get drunk, and bring random guys back to the apartment where she'd provoke fights with me and my boyfriend in front of her guest, cry like a child, and throw things. It was unbelievable. She is 24 and has a fairly good job, why she acts like that is totally beyond me. Finally she moved out a month before our lease was up, tried to steal 20 of our DVD's, which she claimed was an accident, and then tried to bartar with me to take my kitten with her if she agreed to leave the electricity on the apartment after she moved (since it was in her name). Luckily I'm not an idtiot and I pretty much told her where to shove it. She caused tons of damage to the apartment, which I ended up fixing before we moved so we wouldn't get charged for repairs. Then she has the audacity to continue to torture us after she's moved out. Some people just have way too much time on their hands, and low intelligence and concern for others.
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Thursday 11 December
By Andy
i had a roomate that didnt believe in cleanliness once i went to use the bathroom and ugh this still sickens me thinking of it but there was a bloody slime trail from her on the toilet seat
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Tuesday 14 July
By Mackenzie
Oh where to start... I moved in and my room mate was a little odd. Don't get me wrong Little Mermaid is a great classic but for pete sake Little Mermaid shirts blankets pillow cases. Good god it was just scary....
That's just the beginning She would come in at like 6 am and drop her stuff on the floor and turn all the Lights on it was so annoying.
One day I came home and she was using my pillow! i was so grossed out. I mean come on is the little mermaid one not good enough.
Another week later she informs me that she "just uploaded my printer software so she could use my printer whenever she wanted" woo hoo. CHeap Ass
I started staying at my boyfriends cuz i was just sick of being woke up at random times. Came back to get some stuff and there was three condoms in my trash can just lying there. Not wrapped or anything.... FREEEEEEAAAAKKKKKK
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