Shameless Carnivore's Guide to Defending Against Vegan Attacks

I write about meat. For a living. My book, "The Shameless Carnivore: A Manifesto for Meat Lovers," was recently published, after two and a half years of intensive research, writing and eating pretty much every animal (and animal part) I could get my hands on.

I attempted to eat 31 different animals in as many days, and then every part, cut and organ of a cow. I went squirrel hunting and cow-butchering. I attended Montana's 24th annual Testicle Festival. I ate kidneys and pizzle and brains (oh my!). It was a hell of a fun time, and tasty, to boot.

So, when I engage in polite conversation with strangers these days, they often ask me, as an outspoken devotee of all things meaty and delicious in this world, how they can best fend off the attacks of evangelical, fundamentalist vegetarians and vegans who question their dietary choices. Apparently, the response, "I dunno, I just like bacon," doesn't quite put the issue to rest. Having been in this position a number of times (I've sparred intensely with the zealots at PETA on BBC world radio on several occasions), I've come to learn a few things about how to deal with these sorts of situations.




-- Realize that this person is not indicative of vegetarians or vegans as a whole. Believe it or not, I have a wealth of veggie friends (including my own brother, a devout Buddhist), and they're all very cool and understanding of my decision to be a responsible meat-eater, even if they don't agree with it. And I'm cool with them eating their tofurkey, even though I think it's slimy and flavorless and an affront to actual turkeys.

That's why they're my friends; we can politely conflict on these matters, maybe have a deep, rational conversation about the issue and its implications, and it never comes between us. Mostly, these types of vegetarians hate the radical, scream-in-your-face sort, because that fringe minority is only hurting their cause by imposing their beliefs on others.

-- Don't be a hotheaded, irrational d-bag. I don't care how much you adore a glistening rack of spare ribs or a beautifully aged porterhouse -- lord knows I do -- it never helps to be a jerk about it. Enjoy, but don't proselytize. In fact, it's best when accosted by a foaming-at-the-mouth veg-head to stay frosty. Ever see two people arguing, and one of them has steam shooting out of his ears and a face the color of a ripe tomato, and the other is calm and collected, a real Cool Hand Luke? Which one do you think is winning the argument?

Even if the other guy is killing you with valid points, so long as you maintain an even-keeled demeanor and don't start shouting back -- no matter how desperately you want to -- any witnesses to the event will undoubtedly conclude that you're the victor, and that the other guy was clearly, certifiably, bats**t. Lose your head, and you'll lose the fight.

-- Don't be afraid to listen to what this person is spitting at you, or agree if they make a good point. They certainly won't expect that -- you're a meat-eater after all, you must be all kinds of despicable. If he or she carries on at length about the horrible practices in factory farms, and about how terribly the animals are abused (they love to do this), let him know that you also think it's deplorable. As a responsible carnivore, it makes me sick to my stomach to see any animals suffer. Which is why people like the famous animal behaviorist Temple Grandin, who specializes in making abattoirs as humane and stress-free for the animals as possible, are so vital.

And if they say that this still doesn't free us from the ethical burden of killing animals, make sure to let them know that PETA doesn't seem to have a problem with it. In fact, they kill thousands of animals a year, mostly by euthanizing dogs and cats for which they couldn't find adoptive homes (close to 90 percent in some circumstances).

-- Ask them how they feel about the practices of other cultures and religions. Cite Inuits and other Native Americans, or the Masai in Africa, for whom hunting, animal husbandry, butchering and meat-eating is a vital and essential part of their heritage. "You're not saying that they should abandon all of their traditions because you disagree with them, because you have a better way of life, are you?" you might ask. "Is it just me, or does that sound remarkably similar to Imperialism ... " They'll hate this, since there's little way they can disagree with it without at least coming off as arrogant and dismissive of other cultures.

-- Ask them for their sources when they quote a poll, statistic or study. Fundamentalists -- especially those of the vegan variety -- love to cite junk science and misappropriate medical or statistical studies, often to the point that they'll espouse mindblowingly asinine conclusions like "All human disease can be linked to consuming animal products," and expect you to take them at their word. Don't. Make sure you inquire who conducted this study, and where you can find a copy.

Chances are they won't have an actual source. If they're going to be throwing this stuff at you, be sure you have them back it up. And again, do your own homework; if you have some solid, peer-reviewed, unbiased scientific data to bolster your point, you'll be all that much better equipped and likely to win the day.

-- If your interlocutor simply won't listen to reason, and starts growing increasingly unhinged and angry, treat them like an infant throwing a temper tantrum. Be calm, let them vent and they'll tire themselves out soon enough. Then politely walk away, knowing that you were Mr. Cool when confronted by a raging nutbag, and have yourself a nice, juicy steak dinner. I suggest the porterhouse.