Sloppy Oral Awkwardness

Jonathon Morgan, Editor, Greendaily, Stylelist

I'd recently blossomed into a dateable young man, but had yet to venture beyond purely platonic affections. Like any healthy eighth-grader, I wanted to swap spit -- a mid-pubescent rite, and the beginning of every youngster's wholly consuming obsession with doin' the business. So I was elated when my friend Rachel suddenly and surprisingly slipped me some tongue. Score!

The moment would've been "Sixteen Candles"-sweet had my jaw not locked, resulting in sloppy oral awkwardness (and excruciating pain) for the duration of our two-minute tongue tango. A couple months later Rachel discovered she was a lesbian, and has presumably been enjoying pain-free sapphic success ever since.