20 Comments

Recently, a scientist at Penn State University claimed he might be able to regenerate a woolly mammoth using ancient DNA and a modern-day elephant. With German scientists on the verge of decoding a complete Neanderthal genome, some are now wondering if we should also try to resurrect our prominently browed maybe-cousins.

Researchers have always wanted to know if Neanderthals could speak, and having a living, breathing, teachable one would certainly solve that mystery. And, given how negatively we view extinction, bringing back a species long gone could only be a good thing, right?

What do you think? Is learning more about the past worth potentially upsetting the balance of the present?

After the jump, we weigh the pros and cons, using metrics such as unicorns, Applebees and pornography.

The Upside of Reviving the Neanderthal

It all ends with frickin' unicorns.
If scientists are able to recreate the Neanderthals, experts believe the next ancient human-like species they resurrect will probably be the "hobbit." While a Homo floresiensis isn't quite the hairy-footed miniature Tolkien imagined him as, with a few expert tweaks of the genome, he could be. I think you know where we're going here. And the world will only be a better place once the unicorns roam.

Nine out of 10 Neanderthals agree: Applebee's rocks.
If the Neanderthals turn out to be able to speak, it will mark the first time a non-human is able to make coherent comment on the state of the human race. But instead of berating us for our wasteful and self-destructive ways, the talking Neanderthal is likely to compliment us on all the amazing things we do in terms of cooking and flavoring meat. Then we will all go to Applebee's and celebrate how great humanity is.

Extreme strength plus cluelessness equals a good neighbor.
Neanderthals are ridiculously strong, and would probably be perfectly happy to do something like move all the junk from your basement to the dumpster down the road, as long as you promise to help watch their yard for saber tooth tigers.


Cons Against the Caveman

A great ad campaign ruined
When the Neanderthals prove incapable of filling out the basic paperwork needed to purchase car insurance, one of the better ad campaigns of the past few years will be rendered ineffective.

Bloody Revenge
Given that ancient tribes get all hell-bent on avenging the death of their relatives, when the Neanderthals learn that our Cro-magnon ancestors may be responsible for their kinds' initial extinction, we could bare bloody witness to a type of club-first blind fury that the world hasn't seen in about 30,000 years.

Just about anything can turn someone on.
After we resolve the question of whether Neanderthals can speak, the next unsolved mystery is if Neanderthals are able to mate with Homo sapiens. While one would imagine the initial experimentation on this topic will be done strictly in test tubes, it won't be long before the pornography industry, in its effort to exploit what is sure to become the next niche fetish, forces naïve, starry-eyed runaways from Nebraska to perform degrading sex acts on technical subhumans.