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Aziz Ansari is a self-promotional guru who studied the sinister art of marketing at New York University before going on to international fame and fortune. He also happens to be one-third of the taboo-smashing comedic powerhouse known as Human Giant. (Fans will soon be able to catch him in an upcoming NBC series that, contrary to popular opinion, is not exactly an "Office" spin-off).

The funnyman took time out from his Glow in the Dark stand-up tour to divulge the secrets of the marketing game, touching on Joy Division, Quizno's coupons and Malcolm Gladwell's theory of how tuberculosis and Nike sneakers go hand in hand. From what we understand, our lawyers fear Aziz, so we can't legally vouch for all of Mr. Ansari's words of wisdom. His heart, however, is in the right place.

How to Get Recognized by the Media
A quick, easy and cheap way to rise above everyone else is to lie to the opinion makers about who you are. Attend cocktail parties and casually float the idea that you wrote and directed "Point Break." Perhaps the notion of ultra-thin condoms was yours? What if you were the person that developed Gore-Tex? Who cares? Details like these make you someone interesting that important people want to like. Before I was Aziz Ansari, comedian and actor, I was Aziz Ansari, the guy who came up with the idea for Peanut M&Ms.

How to Go Corporate While Maintaining Indie Cred
If you are going to get behind a product, make sure it's something you believe in. For example, when Joy Division licensed "Love Will Tear Us Apart" to Velveeta Shells and Cheese, it's because it was their favorite instant macaroni, not just because it benefited them financially. They had turned down numerous offers from Kraft Easy Mac, and held out until the brand they believed in approached them.

Read more of Aziz's promotional profundities after the jump.

How to Market Your Inherent Sex Appeal
Sex appeal is a crucial part of marketing yourself. A great way to increase your sex appeal is to smell good. An easy way to do this is purchase "I AM KING," the new fragrance from Sean John. Once wearing the fragrance, do sexy things: ride a Jet Ski with a tuxedo on, shoot a machine gun or take a photo in front of a large explosion -- make sure you have a face that says, "Oh, the explosion behind me? That's not a big deal in my life."

The Secret of Viral Marketing
Viral marketing is the notion of marketing yourself in conjunction with an infectious disease, such as tuberculosis. Malcolm Gladwell once described a case where Nike bought ad space in tuberculosis info pamphlets to promote the Air Jordans in the early 90s. Pretty soon, whenever people were polled about tuberculosis, they started talking about how they'd much rather have Air Jordans than tuberculosis. Sales soon spiked, and the technique has since become commonplace.

How to Use Scandal to Market Yourself
A quick scandal is always good to keep you in the headlines, but it's tough to stand out from the crowd. A great tip is to combine all [types] of [scandals]: sex, drugs, racism, marital. For example, make a sex tape where you are cheating on your wife, while doing a ton of blow and saying the n-word randomly. That would be all over YouTube.

How to Silence Haters
The best way to silence haters is to send them a box of Coconut Lemongrass Body Lotion. When I've employed this technique, I immediately get a retraction and formal apology, along with a note thanking me for curing their dry skin. (Haters generally have eczema).

How to Turn Journalists into Puppets Who Will Write About You
Bribe the opinion makers to make sure your message gets out there. The head writers at top magazines like GQ, Esquire, and the New Yorker know me as Aziz Ansari the comedian, but they also know me as Aziz Ansari -- the guy that sent everyone in the office a free toasted Chicken Carbonara Sub from Quizno's. They know me as Aziz Ansari -- the guy that sent everyone in the office a box of Royal Riviera Pears, the best pears in the world, from Harry and David. They know me as Aziz Ansari -- the guy that sent everyone a "15 percent off a single item at Lowe's" coupon. Now any time these people see a Quizno's, a Lowe's or a pear, they think of me. And they write about me.

Things to Avoid at All Costs
Avoid negative associations. Here's a great example that you should keep in mind with the holidays coming up. Never send out a Christmas card of yourself with a notable celebrity that recently said the n-word . The exception being if you took my advice from earlier and are a celebrity that said the n-word recently, in which case, have a Christmas card with you sitting on a black Santa's lap saying "All I want for Christmas is racial harmony. Sorry about the n-word thing, I will NEVER say it again. Happy Holidays!"