America finally got some good economic news last week when Brown-Forman, the makers of Jack Daniels, announced their profits were up 13 percent in the second quarter. Chief Executive Paul Varga credited the strong performance to "the stability of our company, the strength and resiliency of our brands and people, and the quality of our cash flows and balance sheet." That could work. Or maybe it's the fact that millions of newly jobless, formerly productive members of society are now spending their days in rocking chairs, drinking whiskey and cursing at their TVs.
One question remains -- how long can a nation of unemployed derelicts afford to keep drinking top-shelf booze, or mid-shelf for that matter? If we're really looking forward to a lost decade like we saw in Asia in the 1990s, it might be time to drop the Johnnie Blue and start acquiring a taste for the cheap stuff. Let's not forget that the last time one of these depression things happened, people took to making gin in their bathtubs.
The Top 10 Cheap Whiskeys to Get You Through the Recession
1. Old Grandad Kentucky Straight Bourbon ($13) -- Your grandpa probably drank this while listening to FDR's Fireside Chats.
2. Wilson ($10) -- Regardless of price, no better whiskey in the world. At least that's what it says on the label.
3. Rebel Yell Kentucky Straight Bourbon ($13) -- Little-known fact: Lincoln actually fought the Civil War so he could keep drinking Rebel Yell.
4. Black Velvet Canadian Whisky ($10) -- Downside: may cause blindness. Upside: will get you drunk.
5. Fighting Cock 6-Year-Old Bourbon ($18) -- Taste aside, good for a night's worth of whiskey-dick jokes.
6. Old Crow Kentucky Straight Bourbon ($10) -- Comes in a glass bottle, and that's worth 5-10 cents in some states.
7. Rittenhouse Rye ($20) -- Hard to find, but worth looking for. Won the 2006 San Francisco Spirits Competition. Bonus: lets you say you're getting 'Rittenhoused.'
8. Early Times Bourbon ($10) -- Be careful drinking neat, but tastes good with ginger ale. And if it makes you puke, you're just one step closer to making a nice hearty stew.
9. George Dickel Tennessee Whisky ($21) -- Strong flavors, goes down smooth, catchy name.
10. Canadian Mist ($10) -- By drinking it, you're doing your part to keep NAFTA viable.
Got a favorite cheap brand of hooch to keep you warm through the downturn? Leave your personal favorite in the comments.
Like your drinks both cheap and unhealthy? Check out our round-up of the deadliest drinks folks have dared to consume in the gallery below.
Most Dangerous Drinks
Ethanol/Grain Alcohol It is illegal to sell this 190-proof "drink" in California, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Washington. Obviously, the liver has lobbyists in those states.
Jeff Gentner, AP
Moonshine Prohibition caused people to take all sorts of odd steps to get their buzz on. For those who took the Bo and Luke route, a shoddy brew included methanol (a.k.a. wood alcohol) that acts in a few hours and can cause blindness. Perhaps that allowed them to not realize they were making out with cousin Daisy.
Hector Mata, AFP / Getty Images
Hjemmebrent Norway's Moonshine goes a bit further, being distilled to 96% alcohol. In Tara Grescoe's book "The Devil's Picnic," drinking hjemmebrent is described this way: "You were sober then you were drunk. It was grim, goal-oriented, and a little sad. And the hangover was like no other." Scary. We can't imagine anything worse than a PBR hangover.
vgb.no
Blood Religious groups and tribes, including the Suri of Ethiopia, have been drinking blood for centuries. For some it's a ritual, for others it's just a great way to risk contracting Hepatitis B and C.
Corbis
Coca Cola Coca-Cola launched the disastrous "New Coke" in 1985, but in truth, the stuff we'd been consuming for decades was new. The true original version had cocaine in it. If Coca Cola still had cocaine in it, the world would be a sleepless wasteland of rambling teeth grinders.
AP
Black Drink Made from roasted leaves of the Yaupon Holly, Native Americans males consumed the Black Drink in a ritualistic manner, substituting it for coffee or tea. They purged themselves after imbibing for hours at a time, leading to the berry's appealing Latin name, "Ilex vomitoria."
wikipedia.com
Jolt Cola Jolt Cola's slogan is "all the sugar and twice the caffeine." But if you consider that a few of the symptoms of caffeine overdose include restlessness, nervousness, insomnia, increased urination, gastrointestinal distress, muscle twitching, irritability, and irregular heart beat, a cold Jolt doesn't sound so good.
AP
Bombes Enterprising bar owners in Greece originally came up with Bombes -- a mixture of alcohol and cheap, dangerous industrial spirits. These drinks are so lethal that the government had to step in, because the loss of bar patrons due to death wasn't enough to keep them from being served.
Fox Photos / Getty Images
Bud Extra A couple of years back, someone at Budweiser came up with a plan to keep beer drinkers from passing out. They called it "B to the E," and injected it with ginseng and high levels caffeine. In June 2008, Anheuser-Busch pulled the product in response to public criticism, which was completely warranted.
AP
Kumis Though not technically a danger to your physical health, there's something psychologically troubling about sipping Kumis, a booze made from fermented mare's milk. Russians have been drinking from the horse's teat for centuries, but we'll pass.
wikipedia.com
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Comments:
Add a comment
Tuesday 09 December
By jakegoodrich11
Mare's milk....yes!
Reply
Tuesday 09 December
By Jtheib
I wonder where the clown, jakegoodrich, lives. Sounds like something a person from France would write. They still can't get over the fact we saved their "a--"
Reply
Friday 12 December
By julie
...aaw c'mon! where is your sense of humor/adventure?!? You must have a bad experience/family history of alcohol abuse...sad.What DO you do for fun,eh?
Reply
Tuesday 09 December
By Bubba
We need our booze, especially cause the price went down here!
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Tuesday 09 December
By JerryBarada
"user"... real original handle ya got there. I guess it was either that, or "pusher". Either way, nobody here in America gives a rats arse what YOU think. You wanna see a coultry of drunks? try visiting Russia/Ukraine/Belarus sometime. Why do you think all those russian girls wanna marry american men? Cuz WE can handle our liquor. ( Licker? Lick her..?)
Reply
Tuesday 09 December
By Cali
Yes User, we as individual Americans, personally plunged the world into a recession. We did it with malice aforethought, just so you and all of your fellow whatever you ares will suffer endlessly. Now, we must all find cheap booze so we can all get drunk and supress our feelings o guilt. NOT!
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Tuesday 09 December
By bob
Loosers? Don't you mean losers? Get a dictionary. These Brits can't even speak their own language.
Reply
Tuesday 09 December
By jshedl10411
Try Evan Williams! Sour Mash, aged in charcoal barrels, 86 proof, a poor mans Jack Daniels!
Reply
Tuesday 09 December
By Kent
Kentucky Tavern isn't to bad for cheap bourbon.
Reply
Wednesday 10 December
By yankeeredneck
hey just sitting here sipping on some Wakefield family blend whiskey $8.50 for a liter but rather have Sunnybrook about 12.50/L
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Wednesday 10 December
By HOBBS
I REMEMBER THE OLD EVERCLEAR DAYS. THEY WERE NOT TOO CLEAR COME TO THINK OF IT. SURE TO MAKE YOU FORGET YOUR PROBLEMS AND WHAT EVER ELSE YOU DID THAT NIGHT TOO. CANT FORGET THE MD 20-20 EITHER. ROUGH STUFF, BUT IT DID THE JOB ON A TIGHT BUDGET.
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Wednesday 10 December
By vegas
Ill stick with my crown royal!!!!! Im drinking one right now. Cheers
Reply
Wednesday 10 December
By mike
Nothing better on a cold night then J.W.Dant Kentucky Bourbon, 100 proof. Cures what ails you...
Reply
Wednesday 10 December
By mike
Nothing better on a cold night than J.W.Dant Kentucky Straight Bourbon, 100 Proof...Cures what ails you...
Reply
Wednesday 10 December
By claudia
Kessler's didn't even make the list. And it's way better than Jack or even Canadian Royal. And cheap, cheap, cheap! If you haven't tried it, may I suggest you do so!
Reply
Wednesday 10 December
By olesteak
I would bet that sales are up for all the others as well. Top shelf whiskey being up just shows that our more affluent friends are feeling the pinch as well. Evans Williams black for me. Here's to ya:)
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Wednesday 10 December
By anthony
definitely Popov... though i have heard rumors of a brand called "tamarov", which is apparently worse...
for those who don't know, Popov is vodka so cheap the only place you find it is in frat houses... it is pretty much the only reason Jungle Juice was invented
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Wednesday 10 December
By Ed Mc
I'd just as soon go bankrupt as pass on buying Jack Daniels or my other Irish favorite: Jameson whiskey....up the rebels!!!!!
Reply
Friday 12 December
By Harry Bahlzitch
Everclear gave me the best weekend I don't remember having...
Reply
Tuesday 16 December
By KB
The author of the article wrote: Let's not forget that the last time one of these depression things happened, people took to making gin in their bathtubs.
Actually, bathtub gin's popularity during the Depression was due to the fact that Prohibition made it impossible to buy alchohol legally. You bought homemade booze or you went without.
Reply