This week, the nation was introduced to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, the most batsh*t crazy elected official in America. Arrested this Tuesday on corruption charges after an FBI wiretap revealed he was trying to auction off President-elect Obama's vacated Senate seat, the man we affectionately call Blago has ignited one of the most entertaining political scandals in recent memory.
Sure, he may have betrayed the public trust, but let's take a moment to be thankful for the treasure trove of comedic gold the man has brought to these dark, uncertain times. Blago's desperate schemes range from the ridiculous to the sublime, and we feel it our civic duty to highlight the choicest nuggets from the saga of Illinois's future ex-governor -- just so we'll all be on the same page for jokes going forward.
1. Nice hair, Blago
The day before he went down with a thud, Blago put on a clinic in self-denial when he invited the government to tap his phones (they already were), and insisted there was "nothing but sunshine hanging over me." The leather jacket was a nice touch.
2. What do you want Blago? "The world, Chico, and everything in it ..."
Two days after Obama's election, Blago realized there might be something in this for him.
"I've got this thing and it's f--ing golden," Blagojevich bragged. "I'm not giving it up for f--ing nothing. I'm not gonna do it. And, and I can always use it. I can parachute me there." (Blago-speak for appointing himself Senator).
When warned by his Chief of Staff to avoid "making it look like some kind of selfish grab for a quid pro quo," Blago responded: "I want to make money." A nice cushy job paying $250-300k, more precisely.
3. Blago wants to fix health care
Blago thought he could leverage the Senate Seat into a spot in Obama's cabinet. Secretary of State and Defense were already taken, but ...
"Rod Blagojevich indicated in the call that if he was appointed as Secretary of Health and Human Services by the president-elect, then Rod Blagojevich would appoint Senate candidate 1 to the open Senate seat," the complaint read.
4. Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean you aren't being watched ...
Blago warned others to be careful what they say. "(S)ome of this stuff's gotta start happening now ... right now ... and we gotta see it. You understand? ... You gotta be careful how you express that and assume everybody's listening, the whole world is listening. You hear me?"
5. Blago unleashed
Blago, frustrated that Obama wouldn't play ball, got a little worked up.
"They're telling me to suck it up for two years and just give this motherf--er [the President-elect] his senator. F-- him. For nothing? F-- him."
6. CEO Blago
The next day, Blago had an ingenious idea to shake down the wealthiest men in America. He told advisers to tell Obama to ask Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to put $10, $12, or $15 million into a dummy corporation that he would be placed in charge of.
7. Blago laid out his top three criteria for naming Obama's successor:
A) "Our legal situation" B) "Our personal situation" C) "My political situation"
8. Blago in 2016!
With his plans crumbling around him, Blago decided he might as well just become the president. He informed his advisers that he'd like to "remake his image in consideration of a possible run for president in 2016."
9. Blago attemps to take down all of Chicago
Steamed about negative press, Blago set his sites on the Chicago Tribune and Chicago Cubs. He and his wife decided that he'd hold up the sale of the Cubs if he couldn't get certain members of the Tribune Editorial Board fired.
Mrs. Blago: "Hold up that f--ing Cubs s-- ... F-- them."
Blago: "Our recommendation is fire all those f---ing people, get 'em the f--- out of there and get us some editorial support."
10. Is this a joke?
The castle came crashing down in a 6 a.m. phone call from the feds, who informed Blago they were outside his house with a warrant for his arrest. Waking up from last night's slumber, Blago simply asked, "Is this a joke?"