New Year's Eve rarely lives up to its promise as the party of the annum. But that doesn't mean -- if you live long enough -- you won't be treated to a few rip-roaring send-offs for the year that was.

In fact, when further considering the new year and improbability, it may be best to focus on those ridiculous resolutions that so many of us continue to make. Statistics show 97 percent of resolutions won't be kept. So if you insist on articulating a New Year's promise that you have almost no chance of keeping, at least try to think of one that won't strip you of your dignity.

After the jump, read about the most popular New Year's resolutions that pretty much doom you to another year of failure and mediocrity.

Join a health club: On January 2, health clubs unleash throngs of toothy salespeople, ready to engage the masses with iron-clad annual contracts. Don't be one of those suckers. If you really think '09 is the year of the six-pack (not the kind you drink), why don't you spend January doing push-ups? At home. For free. If you can tolerate that, maybe access to rows of sweaty Nautilus equipment is for you. If not, you just saved about $1,000.

Quit drinking: Some things, such as smoking or heroin or "Heroes," are worth quitting. But alcohol ... the only person who feels the need to quit drinking is one who isn't doing it right. And, if that's the case, you really need to keep practicing. Claiming you are going to cut out the sauce as you burp into your Moet makes you the New Year's Eve goof.

Get out of debt: While there are certainly some sob stories, most people who are hopelessly in debt are there because they couldn't resist the shininess of consumer culture, and bought stuff they neither needed nor could afford. Most years, that's just their sad business. But, in '09, these spendthrifts went a long way toward sinking the global economy. So when you talk of personal solvency, don't mind if the rest of us hope that new iPhone blows up in your ear.

Get a better job: Unless you are the world's most highly paid video game tester, you've probably thought about getting a new job over the past year. Generally, January 1 is as good a time as any to kick these efforts into gear. But, in this sorry economy, a resolution to find better employment is no different than a resolution that involves flying horses or having sex with Megan Fox. Just be grateful your job sucks during an era in which you can spend all day surfing the Internet.