You can say that Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday invented by greeting card companies to make money, or frame it as a government plot to pressure single people to conform to the marriage-industrial complex, but none of your fancy excuses are going to save you with your wife or girlfriend when you show up on the eve of St. Valentine without a present and dinner reservations.

Fortunately, we went ahead and did the footwork for you by asking some of the world's foremost experts in the field of man-lady relations -- from pin-ups to porn stars, burlesque dancers to Playboy Playmates, sex writers to sex workers to Suicide Girls -- what you should get your significant other for Valentine's Day. You've got 11 days before you're the dude at the door with a convenience store rose and a bottle of peach Boone's Farm. Don't say we never did anything for you.

Need more sexy gift ideas? Check them out at AOL Shopping.

Valentines Gift Guide

    Blaze, Suicide Girl, recommends:
    "This cute little cameo is the perfect gift for the passionate couple. This Tarina Tarantino "Love/Hate" medallion necklace allows your girl to broadcast her feelings daily. It is the gift that keeps on giving, because knowing is half the battle." ($95)

    Suicide Girls

    Angelilna Armani, adult actress for Digital Playground, recommends:
    The Demi bra from Victoria's Secret. ($38) "Or a 2009 Lotus Elise. Is that too much?"

    Digital Playground

    Lindsey Vuolo, Playboy's Miss May 2001, recommends:
    "A DNA portrait from DNA 11. I think it's totally cool and different, and extremely thoughtful."

    Playboy

    Jayde Nicole, Playboy Playmate of the Year 2008 recommends:
    "Anything personalized ... I love Edible Arrangements. It's healthy but they have some sexy chocolate dipped strawberries! You can get hundreds of different kinds -- they are so yummy! Girls love them because they are thoughtful, delicious and they look beautiful!

    Playboy

    We recommend:
    Add to her seemingly endless collection of smelly bath stuff with Philosophy's cookie exchange, which includes snickerdoodle, oatmeal raisin, sugar cookie and chocolate-chip scented shower gels. ($30)

    Amazon

    Jesse Jane, adult actress for Digital Playground, recommends:
    "I think the best gift you can receive on Valentine's Day is something your partner put effort into. Something they came up with themselves, whether it be decorating your room in balloons and flowers, or cooking a romantic dinner."

    Digital Playground

    We recommend:
    Daisy by Marc Jacobs's fresh, light scent is sure to please almost any girlfriend or wife. ($30-$72)

    Amazon

    Lux Alptraum, editor of Fleshbot.com, recommends:
    What better gift is there than the gift of orgasm? This Valentine's Day, give your girl the gift that keeps giving (and giving and giving): the SaSi vibrator. A uniquely styled toy that can be programmed to pleasure just the way a lady likes, it's guaranteed to give your girl a good time -- and might even teach you a little bit about what she likes in the process. (To learn more about this toy, check out the Fleshbot review. ($185)

    Dirty Martini, burlesque dancer, recommends:
    "Miss Dirty is here to tell you boys the mystery of the ages. Follow my advice and you'll all score big with your honey on Valentines Day. Check out Chocolate Bar at Henri Bendel or your favorite local fine chocolate maker. For extra credit, put the box in another heart-shaped box that you made yourself. Awww!

    I'm a big fan of Fredrick's of Hollywood, they have near to every size bra and after all these years they still have great designs. Don't pick anything too trashy, though, go with a simple pretty style that you think she wouldn't be afraid to show to her sister or mom if they happened to peek, but still hot enough to make you happy, too.

    Or get a burlesque queen's favorite -- pasties! They are so fun to try on and every lady I've ever met wants some. They also make her breasts look amazing in a dress that she can't wear a bra with. Buy 'em on eBay!

    Jeffrey Gardner

    We recommend:
    For witty, alcoholic girlfriends, consider the Dorothy Parker martini glass, bearing the classic inscription, "I like to have a Martini, two at the very most; three, I'm under the table, four I'm under my host!" ($12.95)

    philosophersguild.com