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Valentine's Day is the one day where you get to make up for being a thoughtless ass the other 364 days of the year. The right gift can make up for all the heartache and pain you put your girlfriend/wife/mistress through, and make her stop doubting her taste in men for at least a couple of days. The wrong gift, however, can make her realize she's wasting her youth on a going-nowhere relationship built on a foundation of lies.

So in order to help you, we compiled a gallery of gifts you should never buy your lady if you want a romantic, non-plate throwing V-Day. You've somehow tricked her into being with you -- why ruin it with a terrible gift?

Off-Limits Valentines Day Gifts

    Romantic couples hunt, courtesy of Ted Nugent Hunt Russian wild boar or exotic rams with your sweetie on Valentine's Day, courtesy of "The Nuge." This romantic getaway offers you and your beloved the chance to kill two animals of your choice using either guns or the "preferred method of the god of love." We sure hope that means bow & arrow, and not tearing into the poor creature's neck with your bare teeth.

    Getty Images

    You and Your Sweetheart in a "Da Vinci" Painting Behold, the only gift that is less classy than one of those old-timey photo places in the mall. Buying this is both an insult to your girlfriend and to the great Leonardo Da Vinci.

    www5.mydavinci.com

    Bittersweets Granted, some of these anti-Valentine candies are amusing. But that doesn't make up for the fact that candy hearts universally taste like chalk. Get her some Godiva, you cheap bastard.

    bittersweets.com

    Boyfriend Pillow While terribly sappy, the Boyfriend Pillow could be helpful if you ever need to sneak out of the house late at night. Just throw the covers over it, and she'll never know you're gone. (Hey, it works in every '80s sitcom. ) Still, according to Amazon, customers who bought this also purchased "Army Wives: The Complete First Season." Maybe they're on to something.

    amazon.com

    "How to Be Sexy" by Carmen Electra Giving Electra's guidebook for Valentine's Day is akin to handing your girlfriend a "Playboy" and saying, "Be this."

    amazon.com

    Chocolate Scale Giving an antagonizing scale says that you're both insensitive and have a terrible sense of humor. Congratulations, you are Carlos Mencia.

    uncommongoods.com

    Heart-Shaped Gravestones While your sweetie might appreciate the one time you decide to plan ahead for something , this is just plain disturbing.

    efdesignstudio.com

    "Warmed By Love" by Leonard Nimoy On first glance, this seems like any passable collection of romantic poetry. Except that it's written by Spock. Here's a sample: "We are star-met. We are joined. We are blessed ... " Get it, cause he was on "Star Trek"? Pair it with a record of Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins", and you have the nerdiest gift in the galaxy.

    amazon.com

    Two-Person Toilet Some enterprising inventor decided to bring the "Love Toilet" from "Saturday Night Live" to life with the (admittedly pun-tastic) TwoDaLoo. Giving this as anything but an expensive gag gift doesn't just say the romance is dead, it says it's dead, cut into little pieces, and tossed into the river.

    wiserep.com

    Instant Cup of Flowers Just because you live off instant ramen doesn't mean you should give your true love flowers that bloom out of a yogurt cup.

    wonderfullywacky.com