On Monday, Charla Nash went to visit her friend Sandra Herold in North Stamford, Conn., and was greeted by the chimp of the house, Travis. Something triggered the 15-year-old, toilet-trained monkey and he attacked Charla. Sandra -- witnessing the attack -- called 911, grabbed a butcher knife and stabbed her pet chimp several times to get him to retreat, but not before Charla suffered injuries to her face and hands and lost a "tremendous" amount of blood. Later, Travis, who often drank wine from a stemmed glass, was shot by Stamford police.

Having once been a resident of this Connecticut commuter town, I immediately went to the Stamford Advocate for all of the details on this horrific assault. While the Travis article was the No. 1 story of the day, No. 2 was "A Rush for Guns: Sales, Permits Rise in the Area."

My fair friends of the Nutmeg State: Now is not the time to bear arms for fear that the "Planet of the Apes" prophecy is finally coming to pass. Take a drive on Rockrimmon Road and you'll see this isn't a terrorist training camp, but a neighborhood training the future investment bankers of America.

If you need a way to deal with your monkey madness, consider a stroll through the lovely Stamford Mall, where crazy-low prices at the Gap and Macy's can put anyone's mind at ease.