I've frequently been described as a "fat skinny man," that is to say I'm built like a twig except for my gut, which, due to my penchant for malt beverages and rich delicious foods, juts out over my pants. Picture Meatloaf's gut on Mick Jagger's frame. That's me, and my muffin tops.

Adding insult to injury, I have virtually no ass to speak of. My pants droop down my backside like the sagging jowels of a basset hound. So when I heard someone had designed a pair of "Bubble Butt" underwear with "Anti-Muffin Top Elastic," I thought my problems were solved. I was eager (add slightly mortified, ashamed) to try them.

A Little Back Story (pun intended)
In answer to the vital query, "Boxers or briefs?" my reply up until recently had been ardently the former. I'm 37 years old. Perhaps age has caught up with me. It saddens me to admit that my reproductive organs have gradually submitted to the unrelenting pull of gravity, and have since begun to cry out for more counteracting support. I also felt it was just time to let go of those threadbare, polka-dotted boxers from the Gap I received from my mother for Chanukah 14 years ago.

Dan reveals his boxer brief breakdown, after the jump.

American Apparel
I had test-driven a few pairs of American Apparel boxer briefs that a girlfriend (now ex) thought I "looked cute in," but I found them too ... briefy. I could just never let go of the "butt-hugger" stigma that I had worked so hard to instill in others -- traumatizing anyone scrawnier than me who dared wear such things during my youth. However, these butt-huggers did buoy me effectively.
Calvin Klein
Last year, rather unceremoniously, I bought a two-week supply of boxer-briefs -- reframing my answer to the aforementioned case of boxers vs. briefs. The verdict: both. Numerous pairs of Calvin Kleins later, I was a boxer-brief guy, but I never felt they truly provided the support my man parts craved.
And then, bam! Along comes self-proclaimed "fashion god" Andrew Christian to the rescue with his "#1 selling, Flashback line" of undies with bonus anti-muffin-top technology elastic! Huzzah!

Briefly, do these clever culottes make the cut?

Andrew Christian
Well, not really. At least, not for me. Maybe I'm wearing them wrong. Maybe I have the wrong body type. I was under the impression these were designed specifically for my shape, but they just didn't seem to do jack for my flab.

My ass felt a little more lifted than it does in regular boxer briefs, and I liked the frontal lift as well. But it seemed that the briefs sat so low on my body that they simply avoided the love-handle region altogether, thus providing neither a slimming constraint nor a strangling bulge aggravator.

It's as if I asked, "Do I look fat in these pants?" and they simply answered by dodging the question. "Lovely weather we're having." I'll admit it, I had really been hoping for more of a man girdle. A mirdle, as it's actually been called.

In the end, it's probably best that I ease off the beer and snacks and do a few sit-ups. Barring that, I suppose there's always liposuction.