A few weeks ago, we asked which was scarier, blood-licking BJ Penn or a penis-biting raccoon. You overwhelmingly chose the raccoon, go figure!

Now we have a new scenario so dastardly, so terrifying, that even the most hardened horror-movie goer will cringe and ponder over its implications. Which is scarier, an elderly rollerblader who terrorized the streets of a English coastal town or a cutie who extracted revenge on her former boy toy by squeezing his balls really hard?

It's "Misery" meets "Cocoon" after the jump.

Elderly Rollerblader

Strengths: Imagine this: "He darts back and forth through a sea of people. You try to run, but he's too fast. He's closing in on you, you can hear his loose skin flapping wildly, he's almost upon you, oh no, gross ... "

Weaknesses: He claims that in his seven years of rollerblading that he never actually hit anyone. But how can that be if he is both old and on rollerblades? Surely that's impossible.

Special abilities: Dizzying speed and the ability to weave through a pack of people like Toad in "Mario Kart."

 Ball-Squeezing Cutie

Strengths: This story has all the elements of a modern-day "Fatal Attraction," which is even scary for guys who didn't cheat.

Weaknesses: Her ex-boyfriend had another girl in bed with him when the alleged ball squeezing occurred. They had also broken up "approximately 20 times" over the course of their relationship. So it sounds like a vicious ball-squeezing can be avoided by a touch of discretion.

Special abilities: The innate skill of concealing craziness behind an adorable outside persona.