We knew Trevor Moore of the Whitest Kids U' Know had a mischievous sense of humor thanks to his comedy troupe's IFC show and club tour. What we didn't know is that he's also a criminal mastermind. In the new movie, "Miss March," which Moore wrote, directed and stars in with fellow white kid Zach Cregger, the mop-haired comedian goes on a road trip and helps orchestrate a break-in at the tangible home of many guys fantasies -- the Playboy Mansion.
"To film this, I actually got to go there and spend some time around the grounds ... in other words, case the place," explains Moore. So after much research and reconnaissance, we asked the filmmaker to provide us with the best ways to gain access to Hef's pad. While we can't recommend that our readers carry out an actual B&E, it seems like the type of info you should have ... just in case.
Method #1: Dress up like Fred Durst You remember Fred from the late-'90s band The Crappy Douchebags. Well, he's still a staple at the Mansion. All you need to do to disguise yourself as him is throw on a backward baseball hat, put on a fake goatee, and if you know how to play guitar -- try to forget. Method #2: Get a team of people, some tasers, mace, one sniper rifle and grappling hooks. Put a sniper in the woods a half-mile away from the Mansion's main gate. Have the sniper take out the guards at the gate (your sniper should aim for the eyes). Use the ensuing chaos to slip inside and up the hill. Use the grappling hooks to crawl into the second-floor window of the East wing (security is much more focused on the ground floor). Take hostages with the tasers and spray mace around the room to discourage any sort of heroics from other party members. Now, enjoy the evening!
Method #3: Catapult. This method is a little elaborate – you have to construct a huge catapult – but it's also a sure thing. Just launch yourself over the wall and enjoy the party. It shouldn't even matter if security sees how you got in. I mean, what party is going to turn away the guy who arrived via catapult? Not any party that I'd want to be at. Note: You're probably going to want to launch yourself pretty far, so you can land in the water at the grotto behind the house. And try not to drift too far to the left or you'll land in the monkey cages -- you've seen "Outbreak."
Method #4: Hef has two teenage sons who are pretty cool, so just become friends with them. On the night of a party, ask if you can stay over. Then just hang out in their room smoking doobs and listening to Pantera. Even if you don't make it down to the party, this is a pretty cool way to spend the evening.
Method #5: Hide yourself in Shaq's butthole. This is the age-old, tried-and-true classic way to smuggle anything anywhere. Whether it be getting weed across a border or hiding a shiv in prison, if you need to sneak something in – shove it up a butt. Now there are very few people in the world who could fit an entire person inside their anal cavity, but luckily one of them is a frequent guest of Mr. Hefner's -- Shaquille O' Neill. The guy is like 12 feet tall! And big guys = big buttholes! Note: It may be tough to convince Shaq to go along with this, but I've heard he's very nice.
Method #6: Eat a whole bunch of cancer and AIDS, then enroll in the Make-a-Wish Foundation and request to attend a Playboy party before you die. Then enjoy your night hobnobbing with the stars! As soon as the party is over, you'll want to try really hard to find a cure for cancer and/or AIDS.
Note: No matter what method you use, be sure to check out Hef's rare-art collection. There are some original Dalis and De Koonings. See you at the Mansion!