Resolve Your Disputes Without Ruining Your Relationships

Even if he's a lover, not a fighter, there are going to be plenty of times when any guy will find himself in a situation where an easy solution isn't possible. Whether it's with your girl, with your parents, or with your co-workers, how you deal with people is important and can seriously affect how they (and others) will treat you.

We looked at Lee Raffel's book "I Hate Conflict: Seven Steps to Resolving Differences With Anyone in Your Life" to find out how to deal with impossible impasses. "It isn't conflict itself that is the issue, but rather the way we perceive and manage it," writes Raffel. "Conflict can be a catalyst, the energy source that gives you an opportunity to deepen your relationships, to clarify your priorities, and to bring more ease and joy to your life."

We've boiled down Raffel's seven steps below.

1. Speak politely; common courtesies count. Okay, you're pissed that your girlfriend is not getting your point, and that she would disagree with you when you're so clearly right -- but it's better not to get sarcastic and start making fun her bad breath. "Trusted relationships are destroyed when you complacently believe 'I can say and do whatever I want to do and get away with it,'" writes Raffel. "An aggressive defense is not a viable way to address your conflicted concerns."

2. Swallow your pride, and admit your mistakes. Sometimes you've just got to suck it up -- if you're wrong, then admit it and move on. Defending a point where you were at fault isn't going to get you anywhere. (E.g., When someone asks you if you were sleeping with the White House intern, it's best not to try to redefine the word "is.") Still, you don't have to over-admit. What happens in Vegas can stay in Vegas.

More tips after the jump for conquering conflicts, after the jump.

3. Seek to understand; you have nothing to defend. "Some people don't comprehend that being defensive is a thoughtless, reckless, irresponsible, immature type of behavior," writes Raffel. "Anytime you are stubbornly defensive and adamantly uncompromising, you screw up your relationships." So if don't waste your time trying to react to everything when you know you're at fault, it's likely that will help the conversation get more civil and productive.

4. Show compassion, and keep the welfare of others in mind. "A self-centered stance does not bode well for resolving interpersonal conflicts," writes Raffel. "Expecting that others have the same interest in satisfying your needs and desires is irrational." So try to let people know that you're working toward the same goal of compromise -- you're not only looking out for number one; you want what's best for everyone. (This may be the best way for you to actually look out for number one and get what you want.)

5. Be honest, and earn the trust that others place in you. Dishonesty rarely does anything positive when you're trying to solve a conflict. Raffel says that if you're acting evasively, the other person will likely pick up on it. But if you come out and tell the truth, the reaction often won't be as bad. We're not sure about this one. While a good relationship is fundamentally based on honesty, there are times when it's better not to let her know that you were checking out her best friend or that her ass does indeed look big.

6. Never wave a red flag at a raging bully. Anytime you're flushed in heated anger, Raffel recommends saying the word "Stop!" Getting all up in someone's grill might seem justified, but it's rarely the right thing to do when you want to get to a compromise, and yelling "Stop!" at the person will jolt them out of their aggressiveness. If you let them keep going -- or join in yourself -- it's likely you'll both make everything worse.

7. Use encouragement and laughter to keep conflict at bay. People hunger for encouragement and good vibes, and being complimentary can really help ease your way through a problem. "No one is so self-assured that they can't benefit from the support of others," writes Raffel. By a similar token, sometimes you can break up a tense situation with a well-placed bit of humor. Try not to use that one about the guy from Nantucket, though.

If you get a chance to try out this advice, let us know in the comments if you find it effective.