Back in the 20th century, America had rivalries with other nations that inspired Rocky-like fervor in our citizenry.

It was primarily the Soviet Union that got the U-S-A chant going full tilt, but we also had a pretty good thing going with Germany during two World Wars, and Japan in both a war and a late-'80s slug-fest for economic supremacy.

These days, nobody even cares that Japan just bested us at our most hallowed national sport. These days, Russia could send a rocket ship made of gold toward Mars and we would be more concerned with who got voted off "Dancing With the Stars" the night before.

In all this talk of "What is wrong with America?" it's surprising nobody has mentioned our lack of a proper rival. To maintain greatness, the British Empire needed the French, the Beatles needed the Stones, and Hulk Hogan needed the Macho Man. What do we have? Afghanistan?

After the jump, the foreign powers that could play Connors to our McEnroe, Frazer to our Ali, and Cobra to our G.I. Joe.

Russia
Good Rival: Recent saber-rattling from Putin and Co. suggests Russia would very much like to reestablish our rivalry. And what a rivalry it was, with America prevailing only because of our undying love of freedom, and great patriots like Ronald Reagan, Mike Eruzione and Patrick Swayze.

Not-So Good Rival: Russia used to be a nation ruled by drab party apparatchiks who excelled in chess, communism and world domination. Now Russia is run by over-leveraged gangsters who hang out with porn-star-looking chicks. Being rivals with today's Russia would be akin to being rivals with "Grand Theft Auto."

China
Good Rival: Magazine covers have been breathlessly predicting the coming Chinese century for years. And what a sinister time it would be, with the Chinese hell-bent on revenge after suffering through centuries of Opium War humiliations and Charlie Chan slaps.

Not-So Good Rival: For now the American and Chinese economies are intertwined in a way that a hit to one is a hit to the other. Mutually assured economic destruction is an entirely different beast than mutually assured nuclear destruction, and it would be difficult for nations so dependent on each other to be true rivals.

Iran
Good Rival: They call us the Great Satan. We not-so-subtly threaten to bomb them. Of all the "rogue states" we like to battle with words, Iran is the only one that presents any sort of geopolitical threat.

Not-So Good Rival: Iran's most intense and hated rival seems to be Israel, and you don't want to enter into a rivalry as a third wheel. It's kind of like in college basketball when Maryland tries to circumvent North Carolina to be Duke's main rival. It only ends with feelings of inferiority and the occasional burnt couch.

Canada
Good rival: In the past it has been fun to pretend that there is a rivalry between Canada and the United States. But what if a true competition erupted between the nations which share the world's longest unguarded border?

Not-So Good Rival: Canadians are too modest to boast about anything other than their cherished health-care system. And even Michael Moore agrees that a rivalry based on cheap prescription drugs is the worst ever.