is a virtuoso of laziness, a veritable guru of slack. In his upcoming "King Baby" special on Comedy Central
, the pale stand-up touts how he has raised "doing nothing" into an art form. "The whole theory behind retirement is that you work your butt off and then around 60 you can get up, take a nap, watch TV and get a discounted meal at Denny's," he told us. "I'm starting this earlier. I started my retirement around the age of 8. I knew that this was a philosophy that was important. This whole getting-up, going-to-work, getting-motivated thing -- it's too hard. It's un-American."
We asked Gaffigan to share his secrets of sloth as they pertain to career, love life and family. He happily obliged, all without expending an ounce of precious energy.
Making Time to Do Nothing
Gaffigan: "Being lazy, you have to set aside time. In this day and age of economic turmoil and two wars, you have to make a commitment. 'I need time to be lazy. I need time to watch television. I need time to just stare at the wall.' I'm surprised Oprah or Dr. Phil haven't done a show on this, on the importance of laziness or procrastination. You can never do nothing for too long. That's called success."
"The Zen mediation stuff -- that's for hippies. I'm talking about sitting on the Internet following link to link -- before you know it you're on YouTube looking at cats meowing. That's doing nothing. Trying to get comfortable in a chair for 20 minutes -- that's doing nothing. Reading one line of a book and falling asleep -- that's success."
The Daily Grind
"The trick of keeping a job is to care in spurts. If you work hard one week out of the month, people remember that. And then the other time, do whatever you want. You don't turn all that work in at once -- you hold onto it. Put a lot of stuff on your desk."
Appearance Is Reality
"It's important to look busy. Sleeping at your desk makes you look like you're working really hard. Don't shower. They'll say, 'Whoa, that guy's being worked to death. Look at him, he hasn't shaved!'"
Finding a Mate
"The laziest way [to date] is to only go to bars at 2 a.m. or just hang around churches or synagogues when they're getting out."
"If you're in a relationship and you don't want to talk, just say, 'I'm sick. I feel nauseous.' 'But you never want to listen to me!' 'My ears hurt.' 'We never cuddle!' 'My arms are sore.'"
"Always a funny topic -- neglecting children. Spending time with the child, you should watch old Patrick Swayze movies. I want to share this with my son -- it's a movie called 'Road House.' Or watch a Tim Allen sitcom together. Just daddy-and-me time -- watching daddy check e-mail. You might be schooling them on '80s sitcoms. You might be schooling them on how to eat six hot dogs at one sitting. That's teaching."
Dealing With Productive Friends
"The beauty is that they're never going to get it. Are they happy? No. They're really jealous of the person who is watching Nickelodeon. They don't get 'Dora the Explorer.' They're never going to get it. They're like, 'Oh, I'm reading this New Yorker magazine article.' Go ahead! I've got more energy. I'm saving up my energy -- they're draining theirs. What if we were all allowed a certain amount of energy, and I never used any of mine? And then boom, some outer-space people came down here and they measured how much energy people had left, and all these active people -- they used all their energy. I've got energy."
Strive for Perfection
"The perfect lazy day would be: Wake up at 11:30, maybe have a cup of coffee. Check e-mail. Deal with your Twitter, Facebook, all that other stuff. Around 12:30, lie down. Fall asleep watching 'Road House' for the 15th time. Wake up around 5:30, make some hot dogs, and then head over to the couch around 8. Watch TV for a little bit. Stay up till like four in the morning watching things you couldn't even remember. Repeat. Repeat for eternity."
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