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Vince Offer, the late-night-infomercial genius responsible for introducing the world to both the German-engineered ShamWow and the tuna-livening Slap Chop, was recently arrested for slap-chopping a prostitute in the face. The incident took place about a month ago, and Offer claimed he only resorted to hooker-punching after his "date" started to go all-out-Hannibal Lecter on his face -- a claim the authorities apparently bought, since they declined to charge him with a crime.
We can debate the proper way to get a lady of the night to stop biting off your tongue another time, but for now, we are disappointed and shocked to learn that a man of Vince's infomercial stature would have to pay a crazy person for sex. In fact, it makes us think the ShamWow and the Slap Chop aren't the quality products he presents them as.
Now that Vince Offer's infomercial supremacy is in doubt, check out the other contenders for his tarnished crown.
Vince Offer
OK, he fights hookers. But we still really like his nuts.
Ron Popeil
They call Ron Popeil "America's inventor," and you'd be a red commie if you've never been enticed to buy one of his products, which range from hair-in-a-can and pocket fishing rods to pasta makers and the ubiquitous "set it and forget it" Showtime Rotisserie Oven. All that, and nobody counts backwards by 25 like Popeil does.
Tony Little
If watching Tony Little's surprisingly lithe body effortlessly power the Gazelle Edge doesn't make you want to buy a piece of exercise equipment that you will never end up using, nothing will. In this particular infomercial, the ponytailed one manages to maintain his sales pitch while simultaneously demonstrating his wares and sexually molesting a spokesmodel.
Jay Kordich
There are actually two octogenarians who sell juicers on TV. But Kordich, with his track suits, crazy eyebrows and can-do attitude, is the better. Before Kordich, people used to worry about getting really old. Now we know it's going to be all about drinking fresh-squeezed parsley juice, kicking ass, taking names and drinking more fresh-squeezed parsley juice.
Billy Mays
You know Billy Mays, the guy with the suspiciously monotone black beard who is always screaming about the greatness of Oxyclean. In many societies a man with such a loud obsession with detergent would be locked away. In ours, he is a millionaire with a new reality show on the Discovery Channel.
