The adoption wars are heating up, with Madonna poised to snatch another child from her old stand-by of Malawi, and a "Slumdog"-inspired Angelina Jolie seriously considering India for her latest addition.

This is hardly the first time big-time celebrities have taken their insatiable appetite for more offspring worldwide. Jazz singer Josephine Baker's "Rainbow Tribe" reached 12 in the '50s, and who can forget Mia Farrow being permitted to amass 15 kids from various places, even though she used to allow Woody Allen into her home. But never have stars as bright as AJ and the Material Girl squared off in such a raw display of in-your-face child accumulation.

So let's say you were a destitute 4-year-old rotting in a mosquito-ridden home for children. Which international icon would you rather have swoop down and sweep you away?

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Significant Other
Madonna: Not only is her speed-dating approach to her social life good for the tabloids, it could be advantageous to a youngster learning a new culture. Baseball lessons from A-Rod. Haircut lessons from Vanilla Ice. Plus, when you get a little older, Mom's latest boy-toy would probably buy you beer.
Angelina: Brad Pitt seems like he would be a pretty swell dad, but word is the whole Brangelina thing is on the rocks, largely due to the stresses of mega-parenthood. Heaven forbid Billy Bob Thornton reenters the picture. I don't think anyone would be surprised to learn that he eats children.

Mystical Weirdness
Madonna: One would assume that any newly acquired child of Madonna would be raised in Kabbalah. While the mystical religion might seem cult-like, its celebrity version is really just about drinking fancy bottled water and wearing a trendy red wristband.
Angelina: She swapped vials of blood with the aforementioned Billy Bob, and the rumor is she used voodoo to win Brad's heart. All signs point to Jolie being some sort of witch or vampire. But who cares? These days having a mother who's into blood play and the like would just make a kid more popular with "Twilight"-obsessed 'tweens.

Long-Term Commitment to Adopted Child.
Madonna: Given her history of cycling through men and personas, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to plan too far ahead for that Kabbalah Bar Mitzvah unless you actually share her DNA.
Angelina: She's been smoking hot for some time now, and that's commitment enough for us.

The creepy being-comfortable-with-incest wild card.