Musician John Oates of Hall & Oates fame is celebrating his 60th birthday, but unfortunately the true, mustachioed Oates is long dead. In an Entertainment Weekly interview from 2006, Oates even tried to defend his self-defacement by saying this about shaving his legendary lip hair: "It was a psychically freeing moment. I'm sure it didn't mean anything to anyone else, but it was very important to me."

Well, guess what, John? It meant the world to us.

You, like so many other entertainers and sports figures, have gained our esteem and admiration while rocking a serious 'stache. When you blithely bare your lip, you not only lose some major twinkle from your star power, but you also look very unsettling. In the gallery below, we've rounded up celebs who've gone astray (i.e. gone clean shaven). Caution: It's not pretty.

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Celebs Who Must Have Mustaches
Click on the image above to behold the power of the soup-strainer.
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Carnival 2009

Celebs Who Must Have Mustaches

    Tom Selleck
    "Magnum P.I." minus a mustache equals TV movies and James Caan's sloppy "Las Vegas" seconds.

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    Burt Reynolds
    No mustache was as famous or as important as Burt Reynolds' back in the day. Without it, the eye can't help but be drawn to the toupee.

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    Alex Trebek
    With the 'stache, we believe Trebek actually knows the answers. Alas, a swipe of the blade leaves the Jeopardy host's bathroom sink covered in a scum of tiny hairs, shaving cream, and intellectual authority.

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    Chuck Norris
    Can you imagine "Walker, Texas Ranger" without a 'stache? No, you can't, because it would involve creating a nightmarish alternate dimension no man would even dare imagine.

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    Larry Bird
    Larry Legend is one of the greatest players in NBA history. However, without the 'stache, some have made the observation that he resembles an aging lesbian.

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    Eddie Murphy
    In addition to playing a morbidly obese woman, Murphy also shaved his 'stache to play the title role in "Norbit." This is one of many reasons there will not be a sequel.

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    Lemmy Kilmister
    Motorhead's Lemmy Kilmister is a rock icon befitting of a handlebar. Shaven, he looks like the roadie in "Wayne's World 2."

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    Carl Weathers
    We're pretty sure Rocky could've beaten the crap out of Apollo in that first fight had Apollo fought 'stache-less.

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    Johnny Depp
    We'll take the drunken, eyeliner-wearing, mustachioed pirate over the top hat-wearing pederast-y Johnny Depp any day.

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    Don Mattingly
    The Donnie Baseball we choose to remember is the nose-bearded star of the much more palatable '80s Yankees teams that struggled to win, and had a payroll smaller than the GDP of Portugal.

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