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In our cluttered modern world, it's a hell of a job getting noticed. We recently spoke with branding guru Wally Olins, an opinionated expert whose firm has worked to improve the images of places like East Timor and Northern Ireland. "The assumption people make is that when they use the word brand, they assume that it's something to do with Coca-Cola or McDonald's," he tells us. "But if you belong to a community, and if you identity yourself with that community and you know what that community presents itself as being, then you can call that a brand. It is a fundamental manifestation of the human condition to belong. That's what branding is about."

While that's great and all, we prefer make-believe. So based on real-world advice that Olin offered, Asylum decided to try our hand at branding an assortment of fictional locales (and one real place that's so screwed up on TV, we wish it were make-believe).

Click here to see how we re-branded everything from "The Wire"'s Baltimore to "Lord of the Rings"' The Shire, after the jump.


Don't Ignore the Danger
When branding a country or city, it's sometimes beneficial to accept it -- warts and all. "You don't push it under the carpet," Olin says, speaking from past experience. "We're currently working in Northern Ireland, [which] has a reputation for violence, the IRA ... we're not saying it's not true. We're saying: It was true, and now things are changing. It's different."

In this spirit, for the Baltimore presented in HBO's "The Wire" -- a drug-ridden hive of murder and mayhem -- we suggest a new tagline: "Welcome to Baltimore, where you're less likely to be killed in the crossfire than you were back in 1999."

What's in a Name?
As Olin notes, places have often changed their name entirely: Rhodesia became Zimbabwe; Bombay became Mumbai. "If you're going to change your name you have to think very carefully about why you want to do it. There are massive disadvantages. However, if it's really, really, really key, then you might do it. Almost always in the end, people accept it."

With this in mind, we'd think the Land of Oz is in particular need of a naming overhaul, considering the later success of the brutal prison drama, "Oz." No one should have to worry about dropping the soap while taking a stroll down the yellow brick road, so we suggest calling it Newest Jersey.

War Zones Aren't Always a Drag
"If I were thinking about tourism in Iraq, I would think in terms of saying: This is a country that has been through hell, that is beginning to recover," Olin says. "There are parts of what we are that you will not have heard of, you will not have known. You will come and see this place, and of course we had terrible disasters here, and of course the human spirit has survived through that."

That's good news for anyone trying to brand the fictional battlefields of World of Warcraft. After the carnage in Azeroth has been tidied up, it's time to think about the future: Luxury condos, cruise vacations and a bid on the 2018 Winter Olympics!

Pure, Baby, Pure
Though he's never worked for the country, Olin is a fan of New Zealand's innovative branding program, and its slogan: 100 Percent Pure. New Zealand is "a country that is miles from anywhere, really remote, nothing to say for itself particularly. It's a very clever idea: to take being remote and turn it from a disadvantage into an advantage."

Of course, the Star Wars planet of Hoth is another place that's both breathtakingly far away and blessed with a stunning natural beauty to rival New Zealand's. A branding campaign should spotlight the native wildlife, from the fierce wampa to the lovable tauntaun, and the planet's chillingly refreshing atmosphere. Why not one-up the Kiwis? "Hoth: 220 Percent Pure for the 22nd Century."

Don't Be a Cliché
In Olin's opinion, most countries screw up their branding efforts. "They think it's to do with taking a few ads on television and saying visit our beautiful country. This is a world you're talking about which is full of clichés. Everybody's welcoming, everybody's the Heart of Asia or the Heart of Africa or the Heart of Europe. Everybody's warm and friendly, everybody's got beautiful beaches, wonderful food. They think, Spend a few million dollars on advertising is the way we do it."

So how to brand the cheery, sunlit land of Tolkien's Shire? The key is to focus on what this land has that other places don't -- and that's tons and tons of adorable hobbits. You won't find hobbits in Spain, Iceland or Mordor. Find a suitably photogenic representative, get that lil' fella on a few billboards, and voila! -- a successful branding effort is born.

Looking for more expert advice? Check out some of our recent columns.
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Ricky Gervais' Guide to Creating a Wildly Successful Podcast
Gary Shteyngart's Guide to Being a Novelist
Aziz Anasari's Guide to Marketing Yourself