Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

Today begins a partnership between Asylum and the austere American Mustache Institute (AMI), the ACLU of the Mustached American people and considered the bravest organization in the history of mankind behind only the U.S. military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets.

Indeed, as chief executive officer, I have seen people of Mustached American descent suffer great injustices since those glory years of the 1970s, when walking down the street sporting a labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") was as common as Madonna adopting an African baby. Moving forward, each week I'll provide you with a unique, flavor-saving perspective on, well, stuff. Whether it be the Mustached American disdain for the clean-shaven, a conflicting agenda with those wearing the spousal compromise (beards and goatees), cat owners, or knuckleheads who enjoy the horrific musical stylings of the insufferable Dave Navarro.

I look forward to our new friendship. Clearly, you should be thankful for it. Carry on. (Check out some legendary labia sebuculas, after the jump)

The Most Stunning Handlebar Mustaches

    Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche

    Nietsche.com

    Rocker Eugene Hutz

    Artist Leroy Neiman

    Getty Images

    President William Taft

    Keystone View Co. / AP

    World Mustache Champion Willi Chevalier

    Getty Images

    Our muse, Rollie Fingers

    Glenn Hughes of The Village People (sporting what is often called a "biker handlebar")

    CBS Archive / Getty Images

    Prussian Minister Albrecht von Roon

    wikipedia.com

    Hall of Fame relief pitcher Goose Gossage

    Richard Drew, AP

    Bad Guy Dick Dastardly

    Everett Collection