Aussie-born comic Jim Jefferies knows that being polite is overrated. Whether he's singing the praises of sluts or riffing on the stupidity of religion, his insights have been known to ruffle a few feathers. Jefferies' brand-new HBO comedy special, "I Swear to God,"
features jubilantly crass ruminations on the mating habits of pandas, his mom's obesity, and painful mishaps with Dutch sex toys.
Jefferies also happens to have some expertise on the art of the one-night stand, so we asked him to share some of his sage wisdom. "I'm horrible, aren't I, for knowing all this?" the comic asked us. (Don't worry, Jim -- we're not judging you.) Read on, and get ready to score.
Learn why booze is an absolute necessity and threesomes are extremely difficult, after the jump.
Know What You're Looking For
Jefferies: "The beauty is that these days, even nice girls will sleep with you for one night ... Try to find girls who've just been dumped, or just dumped the boyfriend. Probably better to find the one who's just dumped the boyfriend and wants revenge. Any girl who's celebrating something -- a birthday, a wedding. Girls whose friends are getting married, they're very desperate to have sex, because they're very depressed. They'll latch onto the first thing they can find while they're drunk. Girls who're having a birthday, just turned 30 -- also very depressed and thinking that their life's going nowhere."Sex-onomics
"You're gonna have to spend money on a one-night stand. Yeah, you're gonna have to get 'em drunk. No two ways about it. No one's had a one-night stand sober since the dawn of sex, I don't think. You just have to gauge the price. Is it better value to have the one-night stand, or get a high-end prostitute? That's just a dollar-and-cents thing. I can write you a pie chart or a graph or something."
"There is a magic amount of drinks that is just right to get her back and keep her happy, keep you awake and keep her awake. Hers will probably be two drinks behind yours. I've never had a [one-night stand] sober. You see in movies people meeting in the gym and going home and having sex -- that's a load of bulls**t. The only time I think that sober people might have one-night stands is if they meet at AA meetings. I reckon a lot of people go to AA meetings to get laid, from what I hear." Don't Become the New Bloke
"Often I fall into this trap myself -- I will have sex with a girl and then all of a sudden I'm being referred to as 'The One' or 'The New Bloke,' and they say, 'You got to meet my friends.' You're like, 'I'm not coming back to Atlanta for ... maybe six months ... ' I think there are things you can do to ensure they won't call you again. Do a very selfish job in bed -- that'll ensure they won't want to see you again."Bag a Millionaire
"Very rarely, a one-night stand's gonna be great sex. Most of the time you'll even regret it yourself. Just be happy if you can remember it ... It's always the working-class chicks that are a bit more sensible in bed. They think, My mother brought me up right. Just 'cuz I come from a rough neighborhood doesn't mean I'm gonna do this, this and this. I'm not a tramp.
When you meet a posh girl ... a posh girl is just sucking your c**k to piss off dad. Those ones, they're the ones that might be getting the riding crop out and s**t like that. Plus all those sex toys, they cost money."
To Threesome or Not to Threesome?
"It's always a disappointment ... I once had a foursome with three girls, and it was like spinning plates trying to keep everyone happy. This whole idea of what it's like in porn is completely different. If the girls aren't into each other, you're in a real mess there ... The thing is, inevitably with a three or foursome, you're compromising on one of 'em. One of 'ems there as a package deal -- she's not as attractive as her friend. You still have to [give attention to] the frumpy one in the corner, that was part of the deal. You, in all of your stupidity, thought that having more women there would make it even more exciting." The Aftermath
"If you don't want to see the person again, get out as quickly as possible. I've had girls who've just stayed, for like, a good day, you know? It's really hard to tell 'em to go. You have to start making bulls**t up about having to go to work. Especially since I'm a stand-up comedian, it's very hard to find a gig in the middle of the day. I'd have to make up something, like 'I'm off to do radio.' The problem with that is they'll tune in to listen to you. But you've just go to wear that lie."No Shame in a One-Nighter
"It is depressing, yeah. But the thing is -- not all of them are. Sometimes you'll have one and you'll be like, That was f**king great, that girl in Cincinnati with the thing and the thing, that was a good night!
Sometimes it can be depressing, but so can relationships. These are just little micro-organism relationships, little tiny flashes of time that you spend with someone. You'll have bad ones and good ones. There's been ones where they're girls I'd have liked to go out with, but they're not that keen on me. So I've just gotten the one-night stand with them, and that's been all right. Be happy with that."
Looking for more expert advice? Check out some of our recent columns.
Christian Finnegan's Guide to the Modern American DouchebagLive a Life of Extreme Laziness -- the Jim Gaffigan WayThe Gentleman's Guide to Dumping Your GirlAziz Anasari's Guide to Marketing Yourself