Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

Every once in a while, the mainstream media is willing to propagate people of Mustached American descent for things other than egregious crimes against humanity. Indeed, people with mustaches are more than petty thieves, motorcycle mechanics or Muppet repair personnel.

This was the case just last week, when relief pitcher Clay Zavada of the Arizona Diamondbacks exceeded expectations in making the major leagues and earning his first victory -- while wearing a glorious flavor-saving instrument of power.

Click here to watch the "First Take" clip attributing Zavada's success to his 'stache.

With news of Zavada's captivating performance breaking, the brass at ESPN2's "First Take" program turned to the American Mustache Institute for perspective, and our chairman, Dr. Aaron Perlut, agreed to speak with them despite having to endure the clean-shaven interview tactics of Tom Rinaldi.

"Making the sacrifice to speak with Tom was worth it," Dr. Perlut would say afterward. "Yes, he is clearly beneath me as a clean-shaven mortal. But my purpose was to speak of the greatness that is the Mustached American spirit, and how Clay Zavada is now championing this spirit."

For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.