Many of us enjoy the sauce. We come in all types, from the high-functioning alcoholic to the unemployed, bar-brawling boozer. At a certain point though, there are those who'd like to spend a night on the town sans the next morning's deep regret and clothes damp with beer-pong spillage. In other words, keeping our drunkenness all respectable-like.
That's why we pulled up a bar stool next to Playboy.com's Imbiber columnist Dan Dunn
and asked him to fill us in on some of the finer points of being an intoxicated gentleman. It's a bit of a balancing act, but if you follow Dunn's pointers, you could find yourself actually meeting women who aren't of ill repute.The Appropriate Mindset for the Classy Drunk
My main goal going into a night of drinking is always the same -- to not get so drunk that I forget all or most of what transpired. Alas, after a few drinks I invariably forget all about my main goal. That said, the classy drunk may routinely get blotto, but he never gets sloppy ... at least, not in front of anyone but his most trusted booze-guzzling compadres.Choosing the Right Establishment
A true classy drunk is just as comfortable in a dive as he is at the hotel bar at the Carlyle. However, you ought to avoid any joints that serve Jell-O shots. That's just punk-ass.
Dan Dunn explains how to pick the right booze, and meet the right girl, after the jump.
Personally, I like to drink cocktails made with spirits that have interesting names, as they make for great conversation starters. Dry Sack, for instance. Sure it sounds like a condition for which an elderly gentleman might need to see a urologist, but in actuality it's the world's most popular sherry. I think we can agree that "I'll have a Dry Sack on the rocks" ranks among the all-time greats in the pantheon of euphemistic drink orders.
Libations That Lack Class
As pointed out in my memoir, "Nobody Likes a Quitter (and Other Reasons to Avoid Rehab)
," any drunk worth his consistently high blood-alcohol level should be unequivocally opposed to the much-ballyhooed abomination known as low-carb beer. Or, as my dear old Uncle Denny likes to call it, Diet Swill. If you're worried about packing on pounds while tippling, drink vodka for f**k's sake. Just leave the beer -- real, carbo-loaded brew, the way God intended it -- to those of us who think love handles are sexy and consider a paunch hanging over the belt a mark of good character. Besides, why settle for "six-pack abs" when you can have a party-ball belly?
Also, I'm no fan of mixing Red Bull or any other barely legal stimulant with vodka, because I've found the resulting cocktails not only taste like soiled toilet paper, but may also send misleading signals about my sexuality. (Technically, I'm what the doctors call "frigid.")
Finally, if you're over the age of 6, you shouldn't be drinking anything blue.On the Prowl
Classy drunks don't mingle so much as prowl. And as I pointed out in a recent "Imbiber" column
, there is a big difference between picking up a woman in a bar and meeting a woman in bar. To achieve the latter -- almost always a more rewarding experience -- you need to stay off the rehearsed lines and get into some genuine, off-the-cuff banter.Build a Coalition of the Thrilling
Lay the groundwork before the conversation with that special lady starts. The main thing you need to do is build a Coalition of the Thrilling in the bar, which is to say, a third-party group that can validate how awesome you are to the object of your ardor. This means becoming what I call "Liquor Fabulous."
It all starts with the bartender. Get his or her name when you walk in, write it on your hand and tip well. (This does wonders for helping a barkeep remember your name.) Now you just need to strike up a conversation with the other well-lubricated patrons around you. Once you have a decent Coalition built, when you do get a chance to chat up the woman who just walked in, everyone will know your name and think you're the funniest bastard that ever lived. She'll never know what hit her.
Intoxicatedly Charming, or a Wasted Bore?
Your mouth is always a pretty good indicator: If someone is kissing it, you're being charming. If someone is ramming their fist into it, well, not so much."When to Say When" Is a Cliché Because It's Literally True
The key to maintaining one's composure in a social setting around strangers is knowing when to say when. For me, it's the point when it quite literally becomes difficult to say "when." A classy drunk ought to be able to handle smooth pronunciation of most monosyllabic words.The Most Important Rule of All
Don't Drink and Drive! I CANNOT emphasize this point enough. If you are out enjoying fortified liquids, please do not ever, under any circumstances, get behind the wheel of a car. Let someone else in the group do it, preferably a guy you don't like very much, and then make sure you're in the back seat buckled in tighter than Lil' Kim's wardrobe. Later, while your designated dope is poking his eyes out during the roadside sobriety test, you'll have the satisfaction that comes with knowing you've helped put a reckless drunkard behind bars and that his sexy girlfriend will be awfully lonely when you get back to the dorm.Dan Dunn writes about booze as Playboy.com's Imbiber. His semi-fictional memoir "Nobody Likes a Quitter (and Other Reasons to Avoid Rehab)" is available at Amazon.