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Consider Ron White the thinking man's drinking man. He might be a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, but he's less of a redneck than Foxworthy and quite a few IQ points above Larry the Cable Guy. White's a refined gentleman with an occasional foul mouth, infamous for performing while smoking an omnipresent cigar and sipping fine Scotch.

We asked the stand-up to share the lessons he's accrued about that delicious, amber brown liquor. Be forewarned: Teetotalers might want to skip this one. "If I meet one more person in recovery, I'm gonna throw up," White told us. "I've been drinking like a fish since I was about 15, and I'm fine."
Learn From Your Family
"My uncle was a big Scotch drinker. He was an executive for Phillips Petroleum. I thought as a kid every briefcase had a pint of Cutty Sark in it -- his always did. He was an alcoholic, full-blown, and died that way -- as I will too. I pray that I don't get hit by a car first." And if you're lucky, your parents will offer real life lessons -- like handy hangover remedies. "It's all about prevention. That's what my mother told me -- my mother's a drinker. If you put two Alka-Seltzers in a glass and chug it before you go to bed, it doesn't matter what you drink."

Get more boozy wisdom from Ron White, unrepentant Scotch enthusiast, after the jump.

Acquire the Taste, Then Acquire Some Money
"Scotch is an acquired taste, and it does take a little bit of a while to acquire it," says White. Over time, one's appreciation for Scotch will grow -- and that appreciation ain't cheap. "You're eventually drinking the drink that people who are gonna die penniless drink, which is the $250 bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue, or the $180 bottle of 18-year old Mac [Macallan]."

Filling Your Cabinet
"I started off with Dewar's, for the most part, and then went to Johnnie Walker Black, never Red. Now I drink mostly single malts." White opened the door to his Scotch cabinet and itemized what was inside: a 50-year old Ballantine, a 16-year old Bushmills, five bottles of Johnnie Walker Blue and a case of 18-year old Macallan.


If You Drink Scotch, Love Scotch
"It's the people that want to impress me by asking for Scotch and then putting a ton of ice in it, letting that melt, and then leaving with it three-quarters gone -- it's those people that need to die," White warns. "[But] my girlfriend's mother loves Johnnie Walker Blue. She's about 70, from Mexico -- to see her face light up when you give her a little splash, neat, in a good Scotch glass -- that's a cool thing."

There's Drinkers, and There's Drunks
Just because Scotch is delicious doesn't mean you should sip it for breakfast. "Those people that are starting their day with Scotch do need to go to rehab," White advises. "I take my first drink of the day on stage with me if I'm performing -- that'll be at 7:30 at night. I might drink a bottle of wine with lunch, and go back to the house and take a big nap ... I might do that. But I don't start drinking Scotch until the first show. If there is no show, it comes in a little earlier than that -- about 5:30."

Balance Your Boozing With a Little Exercise
"I just got through walkin' up this big steep hill in Beverly Hills like I do every morning to try and stay in shape, though I get fatter every f*ckin' minute. My liver's in good shape. I'm part Indian, Cherokee, maybe that's what's doin' it. I don't have an ache or a pain, I'm still able to get my job done in a respectable way -- still a decent piece of ass, although easily winded ... " As for those who claim that years of Scotch abuse will lead to ruin? "They don't have the constitution for good solid livin'."

Will Scotch-Drinking Affect Your Sex Life?
According to Ron White's completely unscientific personal reckoning, prodigious Scotch drinking has zero negative effects on sexual performance. "I really have no way of knowing," he admits. "I've been drinkin' Scotch for so long, but I still like to bang. It couldn't hurt it!"

Don't Force It
An appreciation for Scotch might just be an innate characteristic that you either have or don't, like the ability to curl your tongue. "Maybe you are born with it," White surmises. "I have a friend -- Steve Cook, my road manager -- we've been best friends since we were 6. He can pour a bar mat into his mouth at the end of a night and drink whatever was in it, but he can't walk by an open bottle of Scotch without gagging. I guess some people never get there."

The Dream Combo
Ron White's favorite cigar and Scotch? A Romeo y Julieta Churchill from our Cuban neighbors and a 30-year-old Macallan ($1,000 a bottle). Cuban cigars are illegal in the U.S., so White wasn't about to spill his secrets on how to acquire the smoke. "Now you're getting into some crime activity, so I can't really divulge my sources ... " Perhaps we can offer that information in a later feature.

Looking for more expert advice? Check out some of our recent columns.
The Gentleman's Guide to Being a Classy Drunk
The Gentleman's Guide to Dumping Your Girl
Jim Jefferies Offers Up a Gent's Guide to the One-Night Stand
Christian Finnegan's Guide to the Modern American Douchebag