Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

Part of the Mustached American lifestyle is watching robust amounts of televised sports. Of course, we do not recognize silly "games" like soccer, tennis, swimming or Scientology. Instead, we love battle-oriented conquests like boxing, football, professional wrestling and ice hockey.

Sadly, however, the mustached are markedly absent from this year's Stanley Cup playoffs. Despite American television ratings for the Red Wings-Penguins Stanley Cup Finals rematch being the highest in seven years, we've detected that those in the labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") community have been slow to return to the sport.

Could the decline be attributed to the lowest levels of lip garments ever to participate in an NHL season? Quite possibly.

Dr. Froman waxes on the wonderful legacy of Wendel Clark, after the jump.

Hockey and people of Mustached American descent have an indelible link that hinged on past National Hockey League stars like Rod Langway, Lanny McDonald (pictured left, and featured in the best athlete commercial ever), Wendel Clark and Joel Quenneville. Alas, there are few mustaches remaining, even in the coaching ranks, outside of the aforementioned Quenneville who leads the Chicago Blackhawks with masculine gusto.

Sure, we still have George Parros representing our people on the ice. But instead of making worthless rules changes or shifting start times in order to return hockey to its former glory, maybe the clean-shaven NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman needs to take a look in the mirror.

The American Mustache Institute implores Mr. Bettman to step outside his own virility-depleted facial-hair paradigm and increase the volume of mustaches on the ice. Only then will our people consider whether professional hockey still offers more than meets the eye ... much like the Transformers.

For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.