Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

Anyone who is not a member of the Church of Scientology understands they are a unique breed of people. After all, Scientologists are quite serious when it comes to "auditing" their "thetans" in order to cross the "Bridge to Total Freedom." The latest news coming out of the Church, however, may be more troubling than fully committing to a magical world of make-believe.

According to the St. Petersburg Times, Scientology leader David Miscavige physically attacked his staff -- including former church spokesman Mike Rinder -- for decades. Rinder claims he was battered by Miscavige some 50 times. And we're not talking spanking here, as that would almost be expected. The reports reference random beatdowns, like a series of bitch slaps from the late, great James Brown.

We at the American Mustache Institute have seen this sort of behavior before. Sadly, it all could have been avoided easily if the clean-shaven Miscavige would have simply imposed his will using the same means we employ every day.

Read about Dr. Froman's follicle-enhanced method of anger management, after the jump.

It's all too obvious that the barren-lipped religious leader missed the benefit of living a Mustached American lifestyle. In short, possessing a lip sweater nearly eliminates the need for physical altercation. You see, it's been studied and proven by the for-profit wing of the Brookings Institute that most mug shots containing mustached Americans are forgeries. They are part of a broad government conspiracy to discredit people of Mustached American descent begun under President John F. Kennedy.

In reality, Mustached Americans are a gentle breed, without need for nunchucks or baseball bats, as no one would dare challenge us. We rarely, if ever, encounter resistance, and when we do, we're able to diffuse it by discussing subjects like the Clubman Pinaud wax, Shepherd's Pie and the human void that is Dave Navarro.

If only Miscavige had recognized the benefit of a deliciously robust mustache, he might have been able to further spread his L. Ron Hubbard fantasy religion unencumbered. Instead, he is sure to continue to find himself walking the halls of the Clearwater, Fla., Scientology campus feeling the need to dole out assaults.

For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.