PokerStars European Tour -- Inside the High-Stakes Lifestyle

At the poker tables, a tuxedo-clad James Bond is the epitome of suave -- shaken martini at his side. But that's merely a secret-agent movie franchise. With my wrangled press credentials to cover PokerStars.com's European Poker Tour held in Monte Carlo, I want to find out how real-life high-stakes poker compares to movie fantasy.

Soon I'll be rubbing elbows with poker pros and celebs, sipping on $20 Cokes (no free drinks in Monte Carlo). At this wealthy playground of the filthy rich, will I find all poker players draped in formal attire, sporting ascots, while holding a pet ostrich on a leash for good luck? Let's find out.

Monaco is a country two miles long by two miles wide, and Monte Carlo is the type of city where it takes very little to get arrested. Homeless people look like me. A beer could easily set you back $30. Meanwhile, at the Monte Carlo Bay Resort, over 945 of the top Texas Hold 'Em players have gathered -- the crème de la crème of world poker. Players qualified by accumulating enough points on the Pokerstars.com Web site for that chance dream hand that could bag them $2.5 million.

Find out how to deal with celebs, sunglasses and table-side massages, after the jump.

Dealing With Celebs

Throwing on a $20 thrift store suit, I'm ready to mingle with celebs. The James Bond franchise has them (Daniel Craig at least), and so does the Euro Poker Tour. The PokerStars Ante Up for Africa celebrity tournament (jump started by Don Cheadle) features such poker-playing celebrities as Jason Lewis from "Sex in the City," the Asian guy from "Heroes" (aka James Kyson Lee), rapper Nelly, The Dream, Christina Milian, as well as local French celebs in the form of pretty-boy Formula One drivers and massive rugby players.

Out of all the celebs at the Euro Poker Tour, Nelly is the only one to arrive with a huge posse, whose basic job is to watch Nelly -- a little guy clad in a lucky red baseball hat with glass of red wine in hand -- play poker. The Nelly posse sits in the corner. A huge bodyguard and several friends who seem on the posse-payroll look on. Nelly's obligatory hot posse-girl totes a large bag of McDonald's for the crew. (They don't seem into the sissy French food.) All I can say is: I want a posse! Hats off to rapper/Pimp Juice-entrepreneur Nelly!

The Best Seat in the House

Though Monte Carlo Bay Resort is pretty posh, and there are boatloads of millionaire celebrities prancing about, the most impressive feature in the entire vicinity is the casino's toilet. It's amazing. As if designed by James Bond's Q, when you flush the toilet, the seat self-cleans, rotating 360 degrees under a washer/dryer.

The seat rises up and circles around, cleaning and drying itself with every use. Surely that's more incredible than seeing the Asian guy from "Heroes"? Yes, it's a toilet seat not only worthy of Goldfinger, but also Pussy Galore!

I soon learn poker really isn't a great spectator sport like, say, bowling. It's almost like watching people eat a really slow dinner with ultra-serious expressions on their faces. I could be wrong, but to me it just looks like a bunch of people playing cards. Players fill dozens of tables. The clicking of hundreds of chips makes the room sound like it's inhabited by a swarm of crickets. Nine players sit at each table. They engage in eight levels of hour-long play. Quick tip: If you befriend one of the poker stars, make sure their tab is still open before ordering the next round of drinks.

Lifestyles of High-Stakes Poker Dudes

A casually attired vibe, the Euro Poker Tour is far from the tuxedo-clad James Bond crowd. Far from being James Bondian adventures, for the most part, the Euro Poker Tour is a big poker-playing pickle party. Sure there are a few female players, like Isabelle "No Mercy" Mercier and Vanessa Rousso (left), who also appeared in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

But mainly, it's awkward men being dealt cards by cute, well-coiffured female dealers who look like they're right out of beautician school. Many players have the air of former Wall Street hotshots. At the same time numerous young guys give the impression like they were playing nonstop "World of Warcraft" in their basement last year. With the recession, gambling is now a viable job option, and the Euro Poker Tour shows no signs of contact with the economic iceberg.

"I played 1.8 million hands of poker last year," states a 23-year-old guy from Long Island. By earning enough points (1 million) on the Pokerstars site, he qualified to be flown to Monte Carlo, expenses covered, and provided with a $10,000 buy-in -- perks of never leaving your parent's basement. "Everyone in this room wearing a league shirt makes six figures."

"It must be a glamorous lifestyle," I say.

"Not that glamorous. Like I said, I played 1.8 million hands of poker last year. (Pause.) I never leave the house!" He keeps blinking and twitching. "I'm not going to do anything else. (Without segue.) America's got this place beat!"

Adding to the veneer of glamour: A team of masseuses are on loan to the Euro Poker Tour via a company based in L.A. They follow the poker tour around the world, providing relaxed shoulders for players worldwide.

"Some players are superstitious," the head masseuse explains. "Sometimes they blame us when they lose. Sometimes they blame the dealer. It's fun when you're good luck. It's not fun when you're bad luck!"

Don't Play With These People

During the media instructional poker-playing class, the dealer mocks me for wearing my sunglasses -- my favorite uniform accessory of the poker player. "I'd take your sunglasses off," says Monica (our dealer from the Czech Republic) humorlessly. "You won't be able to see the chips."

Good point. Though we're not playing for money, with my sunglasses on I can't really tell the $1,000 chips from the $100 chips stacked in front of me. Seems like it could present problems somewhere down the line.

Regardless, I somehow manage to win the media instructional poker class, beating a guy from FHM Estonia and a woman from the U.K.'s Sunday Mirror. Deadpan dealer Monica rains on my poker parade. She leans in close with some astute advice, pointing to the dozens of tables filled with poker-playing professionals. "Don't play with these people," she warns.