If there is one thing that video game nerds hate, it is sunlight. If there's a second thing video game nerds hate, it is movies based off their beloved games. Those movies suck. All of them. You know a movie genre is bad when arguably "Mortal Kombat
" is the best it has to offer. Nevertheless, every month more and more video game licenses are being bought by Hollywood production companies to eventually become horrendous films for no one's enjoyment. The list is nearly endless of great games that they screwed up: "Tekken," "Castlevania," "God of War," "World of Warcraft," "Metal Gear Solid" and so on.
No matter how great the original game is the Hollywood studio heads will inevitably add their own brilliant ideas to turn it into trash. After the jump are three insanely well-received video games that are being turned into movies and how they will eff them up
"Shadow of the Colossus" The game:
A young man has a magical sword, a dutiful horse, a dead girl and 16 enormous colossi to kill. What the game lacks in story line it makes up for in style and beauty. The gameplay is dazzling boss battle after boss battle, 16 times over. Every action scene pits this bladed overachieving youngster against a 60-foot beast on land, water or even in the air. It's like telling Bruce Springsteen, "We don't need to hear anything off your new album ... just play the hits." Each battle he has to figure out a way to climb to its head and stab the sh-t out of it until all its glorious black blood stains the earth below.How they will eff it up:
First things first, they're going to change the mute enigmatic protagonist, Wander, into a wise-cracking high school kid, and Shia LaBeouf is going to play him. Instead of stoically and methodically destroying each colossus, Shia will one-liner his way into our hearts and fall ass backward into defeating these giants. Also, they'll turn the horse into his comical sidekick. Shia will step in some of the horse's poop early on in the movie, then later, while Shia is panicking about how to defeat a charging colossus, the horse will poop a bunch and the colossus will slip in it and careen off a cliff, along with all the integrity of Hollywood. "Good job, horse! That was a great plan, but a smelly one!"
Movie producers think the average ADD fan can't sit still for more than 90 minutes, so they'll have to cut out the 16 gorgeous boss fights. They will instead show three of them, and the other 13 will be tied up in a two-minute montage, probably with newspapers spinning toward the screen with headlines like "Wonder kid slays another one!"
They won't keep the girl dead either. They'll hire Hayden Panettiere, and she'll cheer Shia on from the sidelines. She'll have an affliction that is definitely bad, but curable through magic, like some wizard made her deaf or gave her gonorrhea. Also they'll change the ending, and there will be some lame PG kiss between Shia and Hayden. Damn you, LeBeouf!"Bioshock"The game:
Set in an alternate-history 1960, a mysterious plane crash leads the main character, Jack, into an elevator that goes underwater to a magically twisted city called "Rapture." The city is the brainchild of an evil scientist whose dream was to create a world free of the morals of science. The city becomes deranged with mutated creatures that proceed to cannibalize each other for more power. What power? Fire, lightning, telekinesis, the usual. These failed projects are called "splicers," and they range from the mundane -- having metal blades for hands and feet -- to the more sublime -- having the ability to teleport and shoot fire balls.
The main attraction in the game is the moral story line featuring "Little Sisters" and "Big Daddies." A "Little Sister" is a big-needle-carrying demon child whom you can either kill or save. The "Big Daddies" are Terminator-like bodyguards for all "Little Sisters" and are dressed in armored diving suits.
Jack's only help during the game is the voice on the other end of a radio he finds who gives him directions to his final destination.How they will eff it up:
The movie is supposedly going to be directed by Gore Verbinski, so he'll get some A-list talent who does action (like Hugh Jackman) to play Jack. It's another game featuring a mute protagonist without a date-friendly love story, so all that will be changed right away. First, they'll have Hugh doing a mile-a-minute witty banter with the voice over the radio. "Careful with that fire plasmid, it may be a little too hot to handle." "That's what she said."
The studios won't like having evil little girls running around with huge syringes that you may or may not decide to murder, so they'll all be recast as Cameron Diaz and she'll be a former beauty queen-turned-test subject. There'll only be one "Big Daddy" who follows Diaz around, and he'll be unbeatable. She'll have a lot of clever, sexually suggestive lines about her "Big Daddy," and the audience will cringe in horror. Eventually Hugh will somehow trick Cameron into stabbing him with her syringe, thus defeating it and all logic.
There will need to be a love interest as well. Not some stupid wife God knows where, but a real girl for Hugh to passionately smash face with. They'll get Amy Adams to play one of the splicers, and the two of them lovingly catch eyes amid the hail of bullets he's firing at her. He'll take her bloody, surgically enhanced meat-hook hands and lead the two of them into a vomit-inducing song-and-dance number to end the movie.
"Prince of Persia: Sands of Time" The game:
Focuses on a phenomenally athletic Prince (maybe of Persia) who is tricked by an evil, staff-carrying Indian man into releasing the Sands of Time, thus turning everyone into monsters except for the Prince, the Evil Indian and a hot chick named Farrah. They're not turned into monsters because, conveniently, the Prince has a magical dagger, the Indian has that magical staff, and Farrah has a magical medallion. The Prince and Farrah team up to reverse what has happened, and in doing so have a great adventure that brings them together emotionally as well as sexually in a bath (yep). How they will eff it up:
In a move not unlike John Wayne playing Genghis Khan, Jake Gyllenhaal will be playing the Prince ... of Persia
. Judging by the rest of the cast list, modern-day Iranians are completely interchangeable with the English ... of England. Look at this load of British actors: Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton, Alfred Molina and Toby Kebbell. It begs the question why even get an American like Jake Gyllen-I can't-spell-your-name-without-looking-it-up-on-IMDb-haal to play the Prince when you could get Jude Law or Clive Owen or ... wait, they're too busy playing Americans in other movies. Unless Jake was gifted with an unnatural talent for running up walls, then we'll spend this whole movie watching a body double do all the action. They should just cast the body double as the Prince and save us the trouble.
Not to nit pick, but there has been some footage released from this movie and Jake Gyllen-I-have-the-greatest-six-pack-ever-haal is dressed as the Prince from the game's sequel, "Prince of Persia: Warrior Within." Why specifically call the movie "Sands of Time" and then dress him in the style of a different title? Just call the movie "Prince of Persia: We Didn't Play Any of the Games, But We Liked the Box-Cover Art and You Should Just Be Happy We're Making a Movie About Any of Them at All, Nerd."
Also, does anyone else think this movie looks more like "Assassin's Creed" than "Prince of Persia"?