If you're anything like us, you must surely have loads of extra time on your hands, and a marked dearth of things about which to give a rat's ass.
Luckily, we have just the thing to fill up all that space where friends and sex should be: conspiracy theories. They're great time-killers, and unlike producing elaborate Keyboard Cat videos
, they give you at least the illusion of purpose. Plus, with a raft of recent news coverage
on the "Birthers," you'll be that oxiest of morons: the
The first step (besides practicing the phrase "We're through the looking glass here, people!") is knowing which conspiracy theory is right for you. After the jump, our handy guide to matching your personality with the right wingnut conspiracy
The Theory: Barack Obama (Happy Birthday, Prez) is not a natural-born U.S. citizen
and therefore is not really the president. Is it right for you?
As luck would have it, the hottest conspiracy theory right now is also the easiest to join. You only need about a fifth-grade education and a deep (totally non-racist) suspicion of our 44th president's pedigree.
Birthers tend to be paranoid recluses, doing their best work by the glow of their secluded computer monitors. If you prefer not getting out much and find other conspiracies too intellectually challenging, Birtherism is for you.
need an impressive ability to ignore things like logic and ironclad evidence
, and while it won't help you get any sex, being a Birther will give you a good excuse for not getting any. With wingmen like Lou Dobbs
and G. Gordon Liddy
, who would blame you? 9/11 Truthers
The Theory: There isn't really a unified Truther theory
, other than that the "truth" is something other than what official, mainstream accounts say. In fact, this is one of their major selling points for the creative wingnut. They're always willing to listen. Is it right for you?
Unlike Birthers, the Truthers are fiercely extroverted, and seem to crave human contact even as they're repelling it. Truthers are also a big-tent movement, where proponents of "controlled demolition
" and "Pentagon hit by missile
" theorists not only coexist, but prop each other up. Also in contrast to Birthers, Truthers tend to be over-analytical.
If you're a sociable paranoiac who doesn't mind being humored, Trutherism is for you. There is at least one hot Truther
out there, so sex might still be on the table. Triggers
The Theory: That Trig Palin is not actually Sarah Palin's son
, but her daughter Bristol's. While the Truthers and Birthers at least have some goal in mind, the Triggers don't have even a half-assed reason why anyone should care. Is it right for you?
The underlying theme of this conspiracy theory is a bemused fear of lady parts. If you're a persistent, logic-averse gynophobe, this is definitely your thing. Old School
The Theory: Take your pick of the Moon Landing Hoaxers
, JFK Grassy Knollers
, and Roswellians
. The classic conspiracy theories are writ large in a way that makes today's paranoiacs seem downright grounded.
These old-timers have been kicking around for so long, they blend in pretty well with the rest of society. Every once in awhile, they have a moment of hotness, as with the recent 40th anniversary of the moon landing
However, joining one of these means you run the risk of being "that guy," the one at the club unironically wearing a Members Only jacket, spiking your remaining hair, and flashing the keys to your Sebring convertible.
Whichever conspiracy theory you choose, just keep this in mind: If you miraculously hook up with a fellow wingnut, when she tells you to bring protection, she means Reynolds Wrap, not Trojans. Bring both.