Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

As you've begun to understand the Mustached American in recent months, you have no doubt learned that we are loath to accept human atrocities such as Air Supply albums, breast reductions and light mayonnaise. Then there's New Jersey.

Sure, the news du jour from the Garden State revolves around this month's corruption sweep, but there are far worse problems. While Jersey may only be home to several dozen people of Mustached American descent who have been conditioned to its shortcomings, those of us who hail from the other 49 provinces are repulsed by far more disturbing elements of the territory bordered by the insignificant Delaware, the electricity-hating Amish of Pennsylvania, and the leopard-pattern-wearing yentas of New York City.

We don't believe New Jersey can't be salvaged. It did spawn the band Fountains of Wayne ("Stacy's Mom") and the watermelon-size bagels at International Bagels at Bradley Beach. However, changes need to be made that have not been addressed in the gubernatorial race between bearded sitting governor Jon Corzine and his clean-shaven opponent, Chris Christie. These issues should be front and center for the two men, as one will be entrusted with turning around this vile land.

After the jump, the American Mustache Institute offers a point-by-point declaration of injustices perpetrated in New Jersey.

Gas-Pumping Restrictions
Mustached Americans not only bathe with steel wool and a 24-ounce can of PBR, we also like to pump our own gas. It's a birthright, as most of us at one time or another have worked at filling stations. In an apparent effort to neuter its citizenry, self-serve is forbidden in New Jersey.

Beach Tags
Beaches are public domains -- nature's property. No man, woman or eunuch should be charged $8 daily to walk on the beach, unless they are grown men who solicit passersby for offerings to support their self-indulgent sand sculpture. New Jersey charges all.
No Booze on Aforementioned Beaches
AMI beach ritual includes lots of sitting, listening to Eddie Rabbitt music, staring at buxom broads, and drinking vast quantities of canned beer. New Jersey authorities fine you $200 for the suds and verbally chastise you for the Rabbitt.

Tolls
Jersey has more highway miles than any other state in the U.S. They also make you pay through your lower nose hairs to drive on them, despite the fact they are paved with a mixture of Cheetos, midget bones and white zinfandel.

Jersey Girl Propagating
How my fourth (and current) wife made it out of Jersey without wanting me to buy her the entire stock of ladies attire at Neiman Marcus astounds me. Watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" (pictured left) on Bravo for a peek at the way the state turns its women into perverse caricatures of idle humanity.
Embracing Coors Light
The beer of choice of Garden State residents, much like St. Louis-style pizza, is not fit for human consumption.

With these points in mind, we ask New Jersey residents to petition their candidates for governor to make campaign promises based on a few simple, Mustached American suggestions for change. Let's forget about silly things like corruption, money laundering and racketeering, and vote for the candidate willing to stop taxing your beaches and roads, free your oppressive gas stations, provide free Zoloft to female residents, and urge male residents to man up and drink a PBR. Whoever does that should be your candidate of choice.

For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.