," the new Peter Jackson-produced sci-fi flick/Apartheid metaphor, finds alien visitors being quarantined and mistreated in the titular South African district. (For once, humans are the bad guys.) We're excited to see aliens finally being on the receiving end of a probe and would like to propose other ways to torture outer-space invaders.
Follow this list of prime directives
, after the jump, and you'll be running your own interstellar Gitmo in no time.
Rebuff their sexual advances
Aliens who take on human form always want to breed with us in order to continue their race (see: "Species
" and pretty much every B-movie involving sexy aliens). Of course, this means we usually die in some horrific way during the act or are forced to give birth to their hideous spawn. So should you encounter an alien with the look of love in her one eye, adopt the tactic perfected by unhappy spouses everywhere: Turn into a cold fish in the bedroom. Even if she looks like Natasha Henstridge, focus on repeats of "Dancing With the Stars," complain about being too tired from work -- basically, kill the mood by being a regular, boring human being. There's nothing an alien hates more than having her romantic advances rebuffed. Take away their beloved Earth snacks
Aliens who spend a significant amount of time on Earth typically become enamored with our human cuisine. (E.T. scarfed down Reese's Pieces; Coneheads consumed mass quantities of tasty Subway sandwiches.) If an alien ends up in your capture, you can easily get him to reveal the location of his warship by, say, dangling a Take Five candy bar over his head. Or try a bag of jalapeno-flavored Cheetos
. His alien digestive system won't be able to process the symphony of flavors, while his mind will explode trying to figure out why anyone would want to eat a spicy cheese curl. Play some yodeling records
It's a well-known fact that alien eardrums cannot process yodeling, as evidenced by the Martian head-exploding effect
a Slim Whitman record has in "Mars Attacks!" (Meanwhile, the dulcet tones of Tom Jones have no effect on the mischievous invaders.) Therefore, should the government ever capture an alien, Jewel could be enlisted to go all Jack Bauer on the little green fella in order to pry out his precious military secrets. Splash water in their face
" taught us anything, it's that all it takes to stop an evil race of conquering aliens is a simple glass of water. (Also that M. Night Shyamalan needs a new schtick.) Don't even waste time with waterboarding -- a simple half-filled glass of eau de tap
is all it takes. And if that doesn't work, whack them around with a baseball bat for awhile. (But seriously, the "Signs" aliens couldn't even take out Abigail Breslin? Or get past a locked pantry door? They don't deserve to rule the planet.)Call them mean names
From Ripley using a term to describe the alien queen that's usually reserved for female dogs to Han Solo calling Chewbacca a "fuzzball," sci-fi has a grand tradition of humans verbally disparaging extraterrestrials. Aliens do not take well to mockery, as they have very fragile egos and cannot bear to hear the truth about their unsightly appearances
(link NSFW for sound). Take poor, self-conscious Gonzo, who finally got to meet his own kind in "Muppets From Space
." One crack from Miss Piggy about his "schnoz" is all it takes to turn him into a sniveling felt mess.
Got any other alien torture techniques? Let us know in the comments.