For reasons we may never understand, Sex Olympia 2009 in Australia has been canceled. Perhaps the world just wasn't ready for an event so beautiful. But dwelling on the past serves no one and it's best to look forward to 2010 when hopefully the Olympia can take another shot at it.

What events will the future Sex Olympia hold? We can only speculate. So, uh, let's do that.
The Lube Luge

Partners in Lycra uniforms with a handful of strategically placed access panels lay down on a tiny sled and throttle down a KY tube at breakneck speeds. The winners aren't necessarily the ones who reach the end first, just whoever hasn't fractured anything beyond repair.

Clean and Jerk
This, apparently, is an actual event. We like to think it's sponsored by someone wholesome like Ivory soap and features pairs head-to-head in stiff competition flinging suds, etc., as they engage in stroke play. Potentially also a singles competition, just far less interesting.

Beach Volleyball

Sure they do this at the regular Olympics, but now they can finally do away with the swatches of clothes that pass as uniforms.

Check out more potential sex events after the jump.

Foxy Boxing
Since the event was to be held in Australia, this would be like Thunderdome. Two women enter, one woman leaves. Overseen by Tina Turner and a midget. No shots below the belt, but hair pulling is allowed.

Fencing
Participants to be separated by sword length.

Leap-Frog Relay Race
Keep trying to climb over the other person's back before handing off the baton to someone else. Yes, the baton.

Pentathlon
Dive, ride, dive, ride, shoot.

Let us know what events you'd like to see in the comments!

From the Web:

Mario and Princess Have a Sex Tape
A disgusting sex tape. (College Humor)
The Best Girl-Toy "Robot Chicken" Sketches. (Adult Swim)
If Gmail Wore a G-String. (Ask Men)