So, I have huge cans (pictured). I've had massive breasts since high school, so they're not that big of a deal to me anymore. But I've also heard every dumbass thing that could possibly be said about them. For some reason, dudes -- from my friends to the sandwich artist assembling my cold-cut trio -- feel like my melons are up for public discussion.

Look, treat huge boobs the same way you would any other freakish body anomaly -- like a unibrow or a club foot. If a chick walking by your construction site had one of those, you probably wouldn't think it was appropriate to call it out, would you? So please. Refrain from the following comments on my funbags.



10. "I'm usually not that into giant boobs." Sometimes I think this will be written on my tombstone. I know boyfriends think this is a compliment, but it makes us think that they usually go for girls built like cub scouts. Or actual cub scouts.

9. "How big are they?" Could God make a boob so big that even he cannot lift it? Think about that while you EFF OFF.

8. "I'm sorry, I can't help staring at them." Limited range of motion in the neck can be indicative of a serious medical problem. Like meningitis, or quadriplegia. Both of which render you unfit for make-outs.

Read the top seven things not to say to a girl with huge boobs after the jump.


7. "I'm actually more of a leg man." Really? Great. I prefer a large wang to a dinky one. Hey! I guess we're not right for each other.

6. "Do you have back pain?" Are you trying to be sympathetic, or figure out if I have good prescription painkillers? Either way, I'm not sharing.

5. "I bet your mama gave those to you." Actually, large breasts run on my father's side of the family. Oh, and my father is Butterbean. You f--king creepster.

4. "Are they real?" You also shouldn't ask somebody with a forked tongue if their forked tongue is real. Because you don't know if it's some kind of body mod, or if their mother took Acutane during her pregnancy.

3. "Can I motorboat them?" Only if I can water taxi your nutsack, a-hole.

2. "You should work at Hooters." Look, I have nothing but respect for those servers, but I have a job that doesn't require me to wear nude hose with leather high-tops and bring sides of ranch to divorced dads in a shopping center.

1. "Nice t-ts." Duh. I know.

More Essential Tips for Things You Should Never Say
10 Things You Should Never Say to a Hooters Girl
10 Things You Should Never Say to a Porn Star
10 Things You Should Never Say to Twins
10 Things You Should Never Say to a Tall Woman
10 Things You Should Never Say to an Asian Woman
10 Things You Should Never Say to a Black Woman