Alan Wieder is a writer and producer in Los Angeles. His memoir, "Year of the Cock," was just published by Grand Central.

My name is Alan Wieder, and I have the smallest penis in the world. Actually, that's not true, but for a year I sure thought I did. My penis is actually perfectly respectable, but in 2005, I went through a bizarre neurotic episode in which I came to believe I was horrifically tiny and, even more terrifying, shrinking by the day.

I did all kinds of nutso things to convince myself that my ding-dong was not defective, including: measuring my manhood 20 times a day; poring over penis-size statistics; looking at a zillion "normal" peckers on the Internet; and even -- oh, God -- trying a penis-enlargement program that involved a series of kooky yanks and tugs. None of it worked, and all that mishegaas only managed to make me crazier by the day.


Anyway, I wrote a book about the experience (called, what else, "Year of the Cock"), and, four years and much therapy later, I am a happier man for the ordeal. And I am also singularly qualified to bring you this list. I hope it brings some, er, small solace to the unimpressively endowed. After the jump, 13 great advantages to having a small-to-average schwanger.

13. You have something to take the focus off your receding hairline.

12. It makes your otherwise-dainty hands look huge.

11. You get to have fun watching your sexual partner come up with creative compliments (God bless her) to make you feel better about your modest member, like "You're soooo hard!" "It grows so much!" and, worst of all, "It fits my vagina perfectly."

10. You can relate to women better because you more or less have a vagina.

9. Your son's penis envy will disappear by the time he hits 11.

8. Your balls look much more substantial.

7. You have a 14 percent better chance of talking your significant other into backdoor action.

6. You are marginally less likely to get your pecker caught in a wood mulcher. (It can happen!)

5. You can fit your entire chub in a $10 quarter roll and play a really awesome trick on a bank teller.

4. You have a perfect excuse to buy the new Ferrari 458 Italia, Rolex Yacht-Master II watch, or cigarette boat.

3. Smurf condoms only cost, like, 40 cents per pack.

2. Devoid of a false sense of entitlement, you will be motivated to develop an actual personality, a professional skill set, and the means to make a useful contribution to society.

1. You can write a best-selling memoir about your penis and make up with celebrity what you lack in length and girth!

From the Web:
A Gallery of People Caught in the Act. (The Chive)
If Everyone Had Their Own Magazine. (Maxim)