Unless you really enjoy the acting chops of Renee Zellweger, Jennifer Aniston or Sandra Bullock -- and you don't -- you have no reason to watch a romantic comedy. Nevertheless, the odd day pops up when you're with your wife or girlfriend or mom or weird cousin Gary and you happen to find yourself watching the latest, greatest thing featuring Hugh Grant.
Use that time wisely. Study closely the ways of women so that you too may be able to achieve love the way only Ralph Fiennes can in the span of 93 minutes.
1. A woman's hormones affect her powers of perception.
The man she is in love with may very well make a living by burning kittens and selling orphans to a glue factory. Nonetheless she is in love with him and not you, even though you've been there for her since high school. As this takes place within the confines of love, it seems likely that heightened levels of oxytocin
brought on by feelings of intimacy also render her incapable of detecting even the most obvious and sinister of jerkoff behavior.
2. Women have no time for explanations, now or ever.
This is a sticky point you need to be careful of. Inevitably, when you're in a relationship with the woman of your dreams, your ex-girlfriend will sneak into your bed while you're asleep and, whilst nude, straddle you. When you wake up, the result will be your current lady love turning on the lights and assuming the worst. She will storm off before you can force yourself to rattle off even the most rudimentary explanation. Fortunately, when you later get the chance to explain yourself, you won't even need anything more than a throwaway line like, "I need to lock my windows."
3. Hate is an aphrodisiac.
Illogical it may be, there's nothing women love more than someone they hate. In the past you may have thought to leave woman alone if she screams obscenities at you, but she may just be upset about not having discovered you sooner in the relationship. Often, if your personalities clash and she is brought to near nausea by your presence, all that is required to tip the scales toward wedding bells is persistence on your part. She hates you now, but if you're always there for months and months she'll eventually realize what a catch you are. It should be noted that restraining orders somewhat modify this approach.
4. Unattractive people merely need to change clothing and hairstyle.
This is a tragic lesson that apparently not everyone can learn, but has been proven in many films. If a woman is awkward, geeky or otherwise suffering from some kind of social-misfit status, odds are she just doesn't realize she needs to take off her corrective lenses and put on clothes from Old Navy in order to become completely irresistible.
5. Women love their best friends.
And by this we mean love. Like love
. But they don't know it until their best friend, who is a man, falls in love with someone else, who is a horrible, awful human being in some fashion. Perhaps she's a communist, or actively supports PETA -- it doesn't matter. She has a massive character flaw and is not good enough for him. The reverse lesson is that, if you have a female best friend but fall in love with a different woman, this different woman will be evil. Watch out for that.
6. Women are cool with ruined weddings.
This also seems counterintuitive as, by and large, weddings are fairly expensive endeavors that require much time and effort, involve a lot of people coming together in the same place at the same time, stressful planning and months of organization. However, when an old boyfriend feels like crashing the wedding before anyone says "I do," it's generally only the groom who has a problem, until someone punches him in the face. The ladies love it, however.
7. Lips win fights.
When it seems like a woman is on the verge of getting a gun and shooting you for some transgression, she will likely appreciate setting the fight aside in favor of making out. If you can continue screaming while getting close enough (without engaging in physical violence), a bit of saucy name-calling before simply trying to eat her face is a surefire way get her all hot and bothered.
There you are -- lessons learned, we hope. Now click over to our sister site Lemondrop to find out what they've learned about men from the romantic comedy genre