Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.
In 1999, bare-lipped Daniel Snyder purchased the once-proud Washington Redskins. He was hailed as a lifelong fan who would inject the team with a sense of excitement and victory-at-all-costs mentality -- like Mark Cuban with a decent tailor.
This week, however, we were reminded why Snyder could never enter the ranks of people of Mustached American descent
when he demonstrated the swarthy recklessness of the clean shaven. The Washington Post reported that a 72-year-old partially lip-sweatered grandmother who bleeds burgundy-and-gold had been sued by the team
because she could no longer afford her season tickets. She'd had the tickets since the early 1960s, but couldn't afford a lawyer to fight the $66,364 judgment that was ultimately handed down by a Circuit Court judge.
And the broad wasn't alone. She's one of 125 season-ticket holders who have asked to be released from multi-year contracts and were sued by the franchise in the past five years.
This is the type of injustice we just can't stomach at the American Mustache Institute, so our organization decided to further analyze
the mischievous ways of this Redskin chief.
On the balance sheets, if not on the scoreboard, Snyder is a success. The Skins are beloved in D.C.; the stadium is always filled with heavily mustached fans; Art Monk jerseys fly off the shelves; annual profits have increased nearly $100 million; and, as of 2007, Washington was the second-highest-grossing team in the National Football League, behind only the Dallas Cowboys.
Yet despite that, Snyder gets little love. He's considered an abject failure by most die-hard Redskins fans. He meddles in personnel affairs, jerks around coaches, once charged fans to attend training camp, has no Super Bowl rings, his wife is far too hot, and he carouses with known Scientologists (pictured here). Now comes this attack on a loyal fan granny.
Even though the team backpedaled two days later -- notifying the elderly Skins' backer that the team would vacate the judgment -- it was too late. Snyder was exposed for what he is: pathetic, hapless, short and with a woman he doesn't deserve.
But here's the essence: Much like men who say they don't masturbate, anyone who tells you they are not in business to make money is either lying to you or lying to themselves. As Gordon Gekko of "Wall Street" taught us, "greed, for lack of a better word, is good." Get over it, flower children.
But there's a way to go about your business -- a way in which the Mustached American lives his life. We need not take back-door legal pathways to get what we want. If we wish to eat a live, whole Chinese panda cranium, we pull out our chainsaw and fork and make sure others get out of the way.
What Snyder did by suing this woman -- whose daughter once danced in his team's halftime shows, knits team hook rugs, hangs pennants from two Redskins Super Bowl games she attended, and displays a music box on her dresser that plays "Hail to the Redskins" -- was bush league, pure and simple. And not the good kind of bush that sits gently atop a tethered, somewhat leathered lip.
Siccing lawyers on fans is weak, pathetic and demonstrative of everything that is wrong with our society today. Now excuse me while I climb down from this soap box. I have to track down a meaty panda for my opening kickoff tailgate. For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every week on Asylum.