Sep 10th 2009 By Asylum Staff
We love 8-bit ta-tas
, but there can only be one true expert. That mortal is "Legend of Neil
" star Tony Janning.
For those of you who've never seen this show, the first episode
of "Legend of Neil" starts with Neil getting drunk and masturbating to the fairy in "Zelda" while choking himself with the controller cord. This auto-erotic asphyxiation fun magically transports Neil inside the game. In short, this show is spawned from a concept that is sheer genius.
So when we recently found ourselves arguing over the best early video game hotties, we figured it best to consult Janning in hopes of settling the debate. He happily obliged with his top eight.
1. Princess Zelda, "The Legend of Zelda"
Come on, who'd you think we'd start with? "The Legend of Zelda" is one of the best and most original games ever. So, you know the Princess was a hot piece of 8-bit ass.
2. Princess Toadstool, "Super Mario Brothers"
Though the name conjures up an image of amphibian poo, this fine piece of 8-bit blonde booty is definitely worth it. And lets face facts, Italian plumbers who need magical 'shrooms to "get bigger" can't be choosy when it comes to princess poon.
3. The Halftime Cheerleaders, "Super Tecmo Bowl"
Hey, we know and you know that those dancing cheerleaders with the amazing pixelated cleavage got you a little excited. Don't deny it.
4. Samus Aran, "Metroid"
She was a badass, Ripley-esque chick who fought aliens. That alone is hot.
5. Any Chick, "Double Dragon"
Whether you had to fight them or you were trying to save them, these ladies just looked slutty and hot in their cheesy '80s clothes.
6. Vanna White, "Wheel of Fortune"
When this game came out, she was pretty smokin' in real life. Hell, she's still kind of hot now. Pat Sajak can eat it (and he probably has).
7. The Old Woman, "The Legend of Zelda"
One word: Experience.
8. Ms. Pacman, "Ms. Pacman"
Those red lips. That incredible curvy figure. She likes to swallow balls. Her name ISN'T 'Mrs.' -- she's single and horny. Full of energy. She doesn't talk? Pacman better have hit that sh*t.
Tony Janning stars in Atom.com's original show, "The Legend of Neil." Click here to check out the best video-game-inspired sitcom on the Net.
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