Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

In July, I wrote about the death of Mustachiopithicus, the late CBS anchor Walter Cronkite. Sadly, in the wake of Cronkite's exit, only Geraldo Rivera and John Stossel remain carrying his torch.

Now, the latter, once young and brave and championing Mustached American values on "20/20," is leaving ABC after a 28-year run. He'll be moving to FOX News and FOX's fledgling business network, delivering to Mein Murdoch's network a much-needed boost in eyeballs in the form of the 78-million-strong Mustached American community.

It's an interesting move bringing Stossel's joyless, pithy brand of Libertarian advocacy journalism to FOX. But exactly who are the real winners and losers here? Myself and my cohorts at the American Mustache Institute did the analysis.

Indeed, it's been a long and pleasure-filled winding road with John Stossel. We've come to know and love his reportage from segments like "Give Me a Break," where he challenges conventional wisdom. These featured a skeptical look at subjects from government regulations (U.S. Taxation of Blind Chimps for Costs of Braille Textbooks) and pop culture (Charlton Heston: Actor, Advocate or Wig Model), to censorship (Midgets Without a Vote) and the authenticity of professional wrestling (see video below).



So clearly, this bold maneuver of moving to FOX will have its winners. An increase in the already high level of respect afforded Mustached People in red states is inevitable. It will most likely also lead to Stossel earning a nomination for the American Mustache Institute's "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" award.

Additionally, when FOX secures the formidable television-viewing Mustached American audience, they will see large profits thanks to advertisers who speak to this demographic, such as Colt 45, Pringles, Dickies apparel, and Paramount, which owns distribution rights to DVDs of "Walker: Texas Ranger."

On the losing end, sadly, is ABC. It has lost one of its more talented reporters, capable of weaving intricate stories about legless skateboarders who sing Yiddish folk songs to migrant Mexican workers, as well as the tight-knit Mustached American community which has loyally followed Stossel's career.

Sure, FOX News will be cursed with trying to find a balance between the so-called "No Spin Zone" efforts of Bill O'Reilly and the lip-sweater-toting virility of Stossel. However, we're convinced that if O'Reilly ups his game, he can keep his brand from fading into obscurity as Stossel sears FOX with his own hot poker of journalism.

For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.